Gay people to continue having lots of hot sex

BRITAIN’S gay men and women have defied angry Tories by taking their gayness to a new and hotter level.

As Tory backbenchers threatened to wreck the gay marriage bill, gay people said they would redouble their commitment to giving each other world class orgasms.

Roy Hobbs, from Hatfield, said: “I want to assure those Tory MPs who think the status of my relationship is somehow their business that I can barely walk this morning.

“We were at it for hours last night and are now both severely drained of fluids.

“And we’re not even married. It feels so wrong.”

Martin Bishop, from Stevenage, said: “Perhaps they thought that by opposing gay marriage they could ‘stem the tide’. Well, they’re not stemming my tide. It was all over the shop last night.

“Turns out I’m even gayer than I thought. Jesus Christ.”

Helen Archer, from Doncaster, added: “My girlfriend and I have been left with no choice but to play with each other’s vaginas in a way that would make Philip Hammond wish he had one.

“We had hoped to use our time undermining traditional marriage, but instead we will be forced to concentrate on coming like a pair of blissful nutters.”

Tim Loughton, one of the Tory backbenchers who wants to win by cheating, said: “Please stop being like this.”

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Warn young children about Daily Mail sidebar, say experts

CHILDREN should be warned about Femail Today as soon they have access to the internet, it has been claimed.

Teachers have called for earlier education about the darkest, most demented region of the world’s leading news-style website.

Head teacher Stephen Malley said: “It takes one click and your child is on the Mail site, their curious young eyes drawn towards the right-hand column because clearly the other stuff is only there to provide a veneer of semi-respectability.

“Every parent dreads the first time their child sees a picture of someone from Baywatch who has gotten fat, accompanied by some text insinuating that they will die alone and unloved. For most youngsters it will be the first time they experience contempt for a total stranger.

“That glimpse of the web’s sordid underbelly will forever rob them of their innocence.”

Malley believes children as young as six should learn about crash diets, Miranda Kerr, bitter female rivalry and the crushing loneliness of the sexually frigid to help them understand why these things don’t matter.

Parent Mary Fisher said: “My eight-year-old son was having sleepless nights because he’s worried about showing too much side-boob at a television awards ceremony.

“I tried to explain that the people on that website aren’t real and he said, ‘you’re only saying that because you’re 12lb overweight and your man, aka Daddy, is going to leave you for Emily Ratajkowski’.”