BRITAIN’S gay men and women have defied angry Tories by taking their gayness to a new and hotter level.
As Tory backbenchers threatened to wreck the gay marriage bill, gay people said they would redouble their commitment to giving each other world class orgasms.
Roy Hobbs, from Hatfield, said: “I want to assure those Tory MPs who think the status of my relationship is somehow their business that I can barely walk this morning.
“We were at it for hours last night and are now both severely drained of fluids.
“And we’re not even married. It feels so wrong.”
Martin Bishop, from Stevenage, said: “Perhaps they thought that by opposing gay marriage they could ‘stem the tide’. Well, they’re not stemming my tide. It was all over the shop last night.
“Turns out I’m even gayer than I thought. Jesus Christ.”
Helen Archer, from Doncaster, added: “My girlfriend and I have been left with no choice but to play with each other’s vaginas in a way that would make Philip Hammond wish he had one.
“We had hoped to use our time undermining traditional marriage, but instead we will be forced to concentrate on coming like a pair of blissful nutters.”
Tim Loughton, one of the Tory backbenchers who wants to win by cheating, said: “Please stop being like this.”