Lennon guitar bought by Wings tribute act

JOHN Lennon’s guitar has been purchased to play the hits of Paul McCartney.

The New York buyer intends to tour bars around the United States using the £269,000 instrument to play rhythm guitar parts to songs like No More Lonely Nights and The Frog Chorus.

Auction winner Tom Logan said: “When I’m strumming along to Silly Love Songs, I like to imagine Lennon is looking down at me from heaven screaming abuse. Then I have a bit of a laugh, flip him off and break into Spies Like Us.

“It’s a beautiful instrument and it shouldn’t be just stuck in a glass box somewhere, it should be getting used every night to infuriate a dead Beatle.”

Logan’s band, Mulling Over Kintyre, also purchased Lennon’s iconic white Rolls Royce to transport their equipment to gigs in pub skittle alleys.

Auction houses have noted an increase in pop memorabilia being used to annoy dead stars, with a £350,000 Kurt Cobain guitar recently sold by somebody intending to play Extreme’s More Than Words on it.

Auctioneer Nikki Hollis said: “Wealthy people’s poor taste in music is well-documented. Last year at Christie’s Charlie Parker’s saxophone was bought by an oil baron to teach his kid the works of Kenny G.”

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Male aggression caused by chafing

STOCKY men are aggressive because their clothes are constantly chafing.

The Institute for Studies found that thick thighs and wide necks rub against fabric, causing relentless irritation which finds its outlet in violence.

Heft commentator Tom Logan explained “For years, we’ve thought that aggression was linked to the testosterone that comes with muscle build up, when really it’s connected with being unable to buy properly fitting outfits.

“Now we know why Arnold Schwarzenegger is so disappointing in nude scenes.

“We long to see his raw power and fury in an erotic context, but when he gets his kit off he’s insipid as a five-year-old boy’s chai latte.”

Former violent criminal Tom Booker said: “I thought I was beating people up because of repressed homosexuality or psychological issues relating to my emotionally-distant father.

“But now that I think about it, my jeans were absolutely killing me.”

Norman Steele, an eight-stone anxiety expert said: “Next time a bigger man fronts up to me, I shall just tell him to remove his clothes.”