Getting angry at traffic jams makes them go away

SHOUTING obscenities while punching the dashboard during traffic jams makes them disappear, according to new research.

The Institute for Studies found that long queues of vehicles disperse 209% more quickly if drivers get unbelievably angry.

Dr Julian Cook said: “Exactly how it works is mysterious, but it is clear that foul-mouthed screamy tantrums have a very positive effect on bottlenecks, contraflows and motorway accident-based tailbacks.

“Possibly there is a higher agency controlling the universe that responds to words like ‘fuckers’.”

Cook outlined best practise for deactivating traffic jams using so-called ‘Tantrum Theory’.

He added: “Clutch the steering wheel so hard that first your knuckles and then your entire forearms turn a deathly white, then rock back and forth shouting ‘fucking typical’ and ‘shit, fucknut, arsehole, wank-bastard’ until a wiggly vein appears on your forehead.

“Then repeatedly hit the dashboard, breaking the clock or heater in the process.

“For maximum effectiveness tell whoever is in the passenger seat that this is their fault and that you should have left earlier, before muttering under your breath ‘it’s always the same fucking story, isn’t it?’.

“Following this simple process will send out the mental vibrations required to clear the road quickly and everything will be fine again.”

The study also found that 78 per cent of accidents are done deliberately, by people who just want to be annoying.

 

 

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Either you’re trying to grow a moustache or you’ve had an armpit implant on your top lip. Either way, you look like a Frenchman.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Everybody has money troubles recently and you’re no different this week as you end up in a fist fight with a tramp over a fiver on the pavement that turns out to be a discarded Tesco receipt. I bet Bernie Madoff had days like these.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You get hints about your future at work during a team building game of Pictionary when your boss draws a boot, a sack and an elbow.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
‘Your humps, your humps, your lovely lady lumps?’ If he says it again, report him to the BMA.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Take a little time now and then to stop and smell the flowers. Even if, given that you live in Stevenage, they are probably going to be flecked with vomit.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your sign is well-known in astrological circles as the house of gobshites. The reason none of them will tell you this is, obviously, because you’re such a gobshite.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you will admit to your wife that you are the Ryan Giggs who plays for Manchester United and Wales that everyone has been going on about.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
As you ready yourself to dropkick your iPhone into a threshing machine for failing to pick up a 3G signal, you suddenly realise the advances we’ve made in technology and remember the billions out there who don’t have access to basic modern comforts like electricity. This calms you for about four seconds before you dropkick your iPhone into a threshing machine.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
I’m sure you’re not trying to be racist and it’s just an extraordinary coincidence that that’s exactly what you’re actually being. But sorry, go on, you were saying something about Muslims.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your Kindle can hold 2,500 books, more than a person could read in a lifetime. Or, in your case, 2,500 lifetimes.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
It’s never easy knowing what to say when a mother shows you her newborn child. So what about ‘I see you finally tricked someone into fucking you’?

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Congratulations on your divorce
coming through. Now you can really get out there and find the next one
to suck the life out of you like a vampire bitch on speed.