Government sexual health adviser to be hatchet-faced old bag

BRITAIN’S sexual health policy will be decided by 68-year-old spinster Margaret Gerving.

The former headmistress and Neighbourhood Watch organiser has already started work on a new leaflet for sex disease clinics entitled I Know What Filth Like You Gets Up To And I Think It’s Repulsive, from her cluttered yet immaculately tidy home in Guildford.

Gerving said: “First order of business is her from number 36. No ring on her finger, two kids and neither of the dads to be seen. Mind you, with a mother like her’s she’s no better than she ought to be.”

She added: “I don’t mind what people do in their own homes, so long as it’s something I could quite cheerfully sit next to while watching Downton Abbey and eating a slice of Battenburg without wanting to puke it into a bucket.”

More than 300 bitter, rancid old cows will be trained by Gerving in how to glare at teenagers before being sent out to conduct sex education lessons in Britain’s deviant schools.

Boys and girls will be divided into ‘whores’ and ‘sex pests’ and each class will learn from a diagram of the human body with the genitals covered by black tape and accompanied by the caption ‘Don’t go near any of this of this until you’ve been married for at least two years, and even then it’s front bottoms only’.

At the end of the course a three hour written and oral exam will test pupils’ confusion and sense of disgust with their own bodies.

But 16 year-old skank, Lucy McIntyre, said: “What the government needs to realise is that I, and millions of my fellow teenagers in the full blossom of skankhood, couldn’t be kept off the cock by an army of disapproving Ninjas.

“We are going to rut away like a Danish version of the Duracell bunny and frankly there’s very little David Cameron can do, unless he plans to hide behind every KFC in Britain with a fire hose and a taser.”


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Denmark kicks your grandmother in the face

DENMARK may as well have kicked your lovely old grandmother right in the teeth, it emerged last night.

The small, poorly defended nation has banned Marmite, confirming its status as by far the worst and most perverted of all the Scandinavian countries.

It is the latest move to de-Anglify Danish society following bans on Rice Krispies, Cannon and Ball, angry, drunken racism and complaining about everything all the time.

As your grandmother screamed in agony and clutched at her bleeding mouth, a Foreign Office spokesman said: “If they want a war then they can have one, though we will probably have to start off with some kind of food war.

“That means no more dry, salted fish or sweet pastry dumplings and anyone who is planning a buffet that will be laid out on a long table had better not call it a smorgasbord. We’re suggesting they call it a ‘dadsarmybord’.”

He added: “And do you think we can’t make our own bacon?  Okay, maybe we have forgotten but we can look it up on the internet, which is a load of computers all joined together with wires which you probably don’t even have, you Viking morons.”

But experts have warned against a knee-jerk reaction to the Marmite ban stressing the Danes are generally right about everything and that Denmark is an utterly fantastic place to live.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “There is literally nothing they cannot teach us. Everything that doesn’t work here, works incredibly well there.

“I was a Marmite fanatic and now I won’t have it in the house. To paraphrase John Maynard Keynes ‘when the facts about Marmite change, I change my mind – what do you do?’.”

Tom Logan, professor of Scandinavian studies at Reading University, said the cultural and social links between Denmark and Britain had enriched both nations, adding: “Some of my favourite Danish pornography is positively awash with Marmite.

“It won’t be the same if they switch to Nutella.”