Government sexual health adviser to be hatchet-faced old bag

BRITAIN’S sexual health policy will be decided by 68-year-old spinster Margaret Gerving.

Does your rutting pass the Battenburg test?

The former headmistress and Neighbourhood Watch organiser has already started work on a new leaflet for sex disease clinics entitled I Know What Filth Like You Gets Up To And I Think It’s Repulsive, from her cluttered yet immaculately tidy home in Guildford.

Gerving said: “First order of business is her from number 36. No ring on her finger, two kids and neither of the dads to be seen. Mind you, with a mother like her’s she’s no better than she ought to be.”

She added: “I don’t mind what people do in their own homes, so long as it’s something I could quite cheerfully sit next to while watching Downton Abbey and eating a slice of Battenburg without wanting to puke it into a bucket.”

More than 300 bitter, rancid old cows will be trained by Gerving in how to glare at teenagers before being sent out to conduct sex education lessons in Britain’s deviant schools.

Boys and girls will be divided into ‘whores’ and ‘sex pests’ and each class will learn from a diagram of the human body with the genitals covered by black tape and accompanied by the caption ‘Don’t go near any of this of this until you’ve been married for at least two years, and even then it’s front bottoms only’.

At the end of the course a three hour written and oral exam will test pupils’ confusion and sense of disgust with their own bodies.

But 16 year-old skank, Lucy McIntyre, said: “What the government needs to realise is that I, and millions of my fellow teenagers in the full blossom of skankhood, couldn’t be kept off the cock by an army of disapproving Ninjas.

“We are going to rut away like a Danish version of the Duracell bunny and frankly there’s very little David Cameron can do, unless he plans to hide behind every KFC in Britain with a fire hose and a taser.”