Getting out of bed 'against all natural instincts'

BRITONS must currently overcome 43 separate instincts in order to leave their beds, it has emerged.

According to the Institute for Studies, leaving warmth and safety to enter a dark, cold environment is a grotesque violation of nature.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Millions of years of evolution has taught us to seek comfort and shelter – basically bed.

“Our ancestors would not have left their caves to venture into freezing pitch darkness, they weren’t that stupid. They stayed under their bearskins, getting up about midday to go and grab some berries and twigs before quickly running back to the fire.”

Tom Booker, from Stevenage, said: “I struggle to get out of bed because on some subconscious level I am worried about bears and wolves.

“We’re conditioned to blame ourselves as being lazy, but actually these things are horrible for a reason.

“I may be a glorified monkey but I must be true to my inner voice. So I’ve just called in sick with pretend Norovirus.”

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Woman who won't put fast food in her mouth will put bleach on her bumhole

A WOMAN will not put McDonald’s food in her mouth but will put actual bleach on her anus, she has confirmed.

Nikki Hollis proudly tells anyone who will listen about her distaste for junk food, and the damage it can cause to the human body.

Among Hollis’ claims are that mass-produced beefburgers contain high amounts of fat and dangerous levels of salt.

Despite this, the 28-year-old regularly attends a salon where they put a caustic substance on her arsehole to change its colour.

Hollis said: “Smoking, drinking and junk food are all disgusting. I can’t believe people abuse their bodies like that. I have far too much respect for myself to put crap like that inside me.

“That’s why I keep in peak condition by only eating locally-sourced, organic food, going to yoga four times a week, and paying someone to put hydrogen peroxide on my ringpiece.”