Johnson and Rees-Mogg hold secret meeting in treehouse where girls aren't allowed

BORIS Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg have held super-secret talks in a proper tree house where girls are not allowed, especially Theresa May and Amber Rudd.

It is understood Johnson and Rees-Mogg were discussing tuck, steam trains and leadership pacts all the way up to 9pm when they had to come in for crumpets, bath and bed.

Johnson said: “It was a proper Tory rebel meeting. Mogg brought a pipe and some sherry.

“He has agreed to be my Chancellor of the Exchequer in exchange for unlimited access to all of my pornographic magazines.

“He’s very excited about the fannies.”

Rees-Mogg added: “Johnson wore a cloak and showed us his secret French Tricolore 5 book from Eton where he’d drawn a penis on every character. It was really weird.

“I wish I’d gone to the pizza night with Gove and Grayling, but nanny says I’m not allowed pizza.”

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Man believes CD collection worth actual money

A 45-YEAR-OLD has confirmed plans to sell his treasured CD collection for the few hundred pounds he still believes he will get for them.

Martin Bishop has been buying CDs since the early 90s but has packed them up to sell before the market realises that they are completely unnecessary.

He said: “You’ve got to stay ahead of the pack. These might have sentimental value for me, but there’s no point storing them in the garage when they could be netting me close to four figures.

“The time to cash in is now. In a couple of years everyone will be doing it and you won’t be able to give them away. I’m not getting my fingers burnt again like I did with my VHS.

“Fiver a CD would net me more than two grand, but I don’t reckon I’ll get that. Still I’ll be happy with £600 or so.”

Following the refusal of any second-hand shops to even make him a cash offer, Bishop will return home, replace the CDs on his shelf and pretend the whole thing never happened.

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