Gym shower temporarily out of order for 97th day in a row

A GYM has redefined the concept of ‘temporary’ after a shower has been ‘temporarily out of order’ for more than a quarter of a year.

The staff at the gym in Swindon noticed there was a problem with one of the showers in the ladies changing room after eight women separately told them it was not working, and they immediately put up a laminated sign.

Gym manager Wayne Hayes said; “We take our clients’ feedback very seriously and we are currently looking into ways that we can troubleshoot the shower situation.

“I’d like to reassure people that it will be fixed as soon as it is humanly possible for me to be bothered to do something about it”.

The sign, which was double-laminated to ensure longevity, has withstood the steam from the shower next to it.

Gym member Eleanor Shaw said: “I pay £45 a month for this gym mainly to do twenty minutes on the cross trainer and then have a nice long shower that won’t add to my electricity bill.

“If a shower isn’t available, it kind of makes all the gym fees feel pointless.”

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Monday morning and I'm still f**king here, says May

THE prime minister has announced that it is Monday fucking morning and she is still fucking here.

At a Downing Street press conference the media were unable to tell whether Mrs May’s tone was one of grim triumph or exhausted resignation, but confirmed that she was indeed present and apparently in charge.

May added: “I woke up this morning, the grey light of dawn at the window, and the first thing I thought was ‘Still here? Still fucking here.’

“Was it all talk? Are the letters coming in? Is there a leadership election, or a general election, or a military coup on the cards? I don’t know. But I’m still here.”

BBC reporter Carolyn Ryan said: “She’s widely hated and bad at the job, but she hasn’t disappeared in a puff of smoke. Unlike David fucking Cameron.”