Glass of red wine about to be placed on carpet by idiot

AN idiot is moments away from placing a glass of red wine on her friend’s carpet, it has been confirmed.

Although there is a perfectly good coffee table nearby, guest Nikki Hollis has opted to balance a glass of merlot on Helen Thompson’s cream carpet after it emerged she is a thoughtless arse with a brain the size of a Tic Tac.

Thompson is now watching in terror as her moronic friend moves her glass closer to the carpet while droning on about some work-related bollocks.

Thompson said: “Oh shit, here we fucking go. I’ll try to make a show of putting my glass on a coaster on the table. Why am I even friends with this unbelievable cretin?”

Meanwhile, Hollis said: “Helen looks a bit stressed. Honestly, that woman really needs to learn how to relax and enjoy herself.

“I’ll just pop my glass on the carpet while I make a really important point about my career. Then I will get up and go to the loo and everything will be fine.”

When the liquid hits the carpet any second now, Hollis is expected to make the stain – and therefore the relationship – much worse by pouring half a bottle white wine on it.

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Brexit talks end as Google abolishes EU

BREXIT secretary David Davis is on his way home from Brussels after Google abolished the European Union.

Earlier today the EU fined Google a record $2.7bn for reasons now erased from history, prompting the tech giant to dismantle the 60 year-old political and economic union and bulldoze all of its buildings into the North Sea.

A Google spokesman said: “Any ongoing business the EU may have had is now complete. The UK should consider itself as having left the European Union. As have the other 27 former members.

“Meanwhile, we look forward to having a co-operative relationship with any organisation that may be set up to replace the EU, until it becomes surplus to our requirements.”

The spokesman added: “The UK can now negotiate with us if it wants. Apparently there are some issues about corporation tax?

“Don’t worry about the bulldozers, they’re for this other thing.”