Government policy to be anecdote-based

ALL UK policy decisions are to be based on anecdotal evidence, the government has announced.

Ministers believe actual research is a waste of money when policies can be inspired by something that happened to you, your uncle, or someone you met in the pub.

A Downing Street spokesman said: “Apparently there’s a man in Chester who’s signing on but gets a new 52” TV and a massive slap-up curry delivered to his house every day. Yes, every day.”

The new policies will include a price increase on fizzy alcoholic drinks, because the bubbles make you more pissed, and a total ban on sitting too close to the TV, which it is hoped will prevent people needing glasses.

Meanwhile, the government will step up its anti-pornography campaign after one Mumsnet user revealed her son had stumbled across images of large-breasted milfs after typing ‘GCSE revision guides’ into Google.

Office worker Nikki Hollis said: “My boss’s auntie was in hospital recently and one of the doctors was clearly smoking a spliff.

“Or he might have had a pen in his mouth, but it’s best to be on the safe side and close the hospital down.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
People who describe boring sexual practices as ‘vanilla’ have clearly never inserted a pod of it into themselves.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
It’s weird when you look at old photos & realise everyone in them is now dead. Jesus, last Christmas got really out of hand.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them. Do not say this as a prelude to sexual intercourse.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you use fly spray on upholstery and it turns it into purple leopardskin.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
People forget what it’s like as a kid to find a really good stick and beat a path with it as you walk along. The people on your commuter train do, anyway.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’ve had your laptop for several years and it’s really starting to slow down, so maybe time to buy a new one. Or remove the 700GB of porn from the old one, whatever’s easiest.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You give a shit about what Vinnie Jones thinks about immigration so tell me, who’s the bigger idiot?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
With autumn on its way, game pie, mushroom risotto and pumpkin soup are just some of the things you won’t be cooking because you survive on a diet of Sugar Puffs and Kestrel Super.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Has Saturn been stood in his garden all day? What’s he doing out there?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you promise to give your boss 110%. You really are the world’s worst accountant.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
When your doctor asks how many alcohol units you drink per week, by ‘units’ he doesn’t mean ‘kitchen cabinets-full’.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Suck it and see. Actually, you might want to see it before you agree to suck it.