London actively trying to kill humans

THE city of London has begun using lethal death-rays to wipe out its human population.

Londoners became aware of the attack by their home city when the ‘Walkie Talkie’ skyscraper began blasting them with killer heat beams.

Nikki Hollis said: “I was queueing for the bus when the person next to me turned to ash.

“Suddenly the deadly death rays were everywhere. When a person got hit you could see their glowing skeleton for a moment before they disintegrated, like in a 50s sci-fi film.

“A big booming voice that seemed to rise up from the ground said, ‘Die, die, die!'”

Tom Logan added: “I suppose psychotic buildings firing lethal beams of pure energy is another thing we’ll have to get used to, like the congestion charge and parking permits.”

Speaking via a mouth-like orifice in the Gherkin, London said: “I shall also be using flying manhole covers to decapitate you. And look out for London Bridge turning into a giant metal snake with sewage-dripping fangs.”

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Windows 95 buys Nokia 3210

GROUNDBREAKING operating system Windows 95 has bought the market-leading Nokia 3210 to create a technological juggernaut.

The twin giants of modern new-fangledness will dominate the field of beeping devices for decades with their stranglehold on the new fields of email and texting.

Technology expert Julian Cook said: “If you think that these state-of-the-art mobile phones don’t have a place in your life, then you’ve never received a picture – an actual pixel image – of a birthday cake on your Nokia 3210.

“Or used Windows 95 to email a question to the Usenet Oracle and received an answer – within just 24 hours.

“BOOM! That sound was your mind, being blown.

“And if that doesn’t impress you, just turn that Nokia around in your hand until you find the aerial. Can’t see it? It’s on the inside, my friend. The future’s here, and it is totally awesome.”

Self-confessed gadget freak Carolyn Ryan said: “If I’m not playing Solitaire on my customisable Windows 95 desktop, I’m playing Snake on my customisable Nokia 3210. Together, these two can transform our entire world.

“Though their merged theme tune, bom-bom-bom-BOM-biddle-dee-biddle-dee-biddle-dee-dah-DAH, is an abomination.”

Meanwhile, Hollywood is already developing a film about a dystopian future ruled by MicroNokia where Windows has been shambolically adapted for touchscreens and phones are too gigantic to fit in a human hand.