THE government is to use your money to buy your neighbour's house and give it to a gang of junkies, the prime minister announced yesterday.
Unveiling the the £200 million Ruin Your Neighbourhood Fund, Jim Callaghan said: "If the house next door to you is lying empty, it is only right that the government should buy it and give it to people who live in their own waste.
"Junkies are finding it increasingly difficult to get onto the housing ladder as they deal with the combined pressures of taking crack, swearing at each other as loudly as they can and throwing their rubbish over the garden fence.
"And without a decent roof over their heads junkie children end up vandalising cars, throwing knives at each other and having sex with anything that moves. Now they will be able to do all this to you."
He added: "And because we are in charge of the money, it is inevitable this policy will be more likely to impact in areas with Conservative Members of Parliament."
"So the message is clear: Vote Tory and you'll be living next door to someone who will molest your cat and go to the toilet in your driveway."