Government To Reclassify Very Strong Tea

STRONG tea is to be reclassified as a category B drug, home secretary Jacqui Smith announced last night.

Smith is to strengthen the law despite official advice that strong tea is no more harmful to society than alcohol, tobacco and cheese.

Since tea was downgraded in 2004 there has been widespread concern about the increase in stronger varieties including Purple Haze, Tetley Red Bush and the infamous 'skonk'.

Rejecting claims she had been influenced by the Daily Mail's Campaign for Weak Tea, Ms Smith added: "Our police forces are all too familiar with the consequences of tea that has been left to stew for too long."

Smith also unveiled a new Home Office guide to drug terminology in a bid to keep vulnerable young people fully informed. The latest terms include:

Skonk: Tea that has been left to stew in the pot for more than half an hour and then served with just a tiny drop of milk

Skink: A type of Scottish soup made with smoked haddock, onions and cream. Category A. Banned since 1973.

Skank: A dirty slapper who'll do anything for a bottle of Bacardi Breezer and a deep fried sausage.

Skunk: A small black and white mammal known for its strong defensive odour. Made famous by the popular cartoon character and master of seduction, Pepe Le Pew.

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Capello Picks Gerrard To Miss Crucial World Cup Penalty

FABIO Capello has picked Steven Gerrard as the man who will miss England's crucial World Cup semi-final penalty in 2010.

Setting out his targets for the next four years, the England coach said despite a series of poor performances, his team will fluke its way to a heartbreaking semi-final, filled with missed chances and nail-biting extra time, before ending in a calamitous penalty shoot-out.

He added: "I know these players have the right mix of high salaries and grinding mediocrity to create a very real sense of false hope.

"When I took this job I knew I would be expected to not only take them to a World Cup semi-final, but to ensure they lost that semi-final in the most catastrophic way imaginable.

"I am certain that Steven Gerrard is the right man to instill confidence before sending the ball high into the stands."

Capello has also singled out the normally mild mannered Owen Hargreaves to lose his cool when England are 1-0 up in a tense quarter-final against Holland.

"The England fans just love it when a key player is sent off in the second last minute of extra-time in a crucial game against incredibly tough opposition."

FA chairman Lord Triesman said: "Some may say that it's wrong to set targets in this way.

"But I think England fans deserve an unbearable penalty shoot-out where Steven Gerrard – the sort of player you can absolutely rely on in these situations – balloons it over the bar like a total arse.

"Let's just hope it's against Germany."