BORIS Johnson is to ban Scotsmen from the London Underground in a bid to make the Tube more bearable for everyone else.
The London mayor said a Scots-free Tube would be less intimidating for ordinary travellers, and would not smell so badly of chips, blood, spilt lager and urine.
He said: "As we all know the Scot is incapable of sitting on anything with wheels attached unless already drunk, or carrying enough booze to knock out an Irish bank manager and his wife for a weekend.
"For god’s sake man. It’s eight-thirty in the morning. You’re only going two stops on the Northern Line to get to your doorway. Do you really need six cans and a hip flask?
"Am I your best pal? I don’t think so. We’ve never actually been formally introduced and it is unlikely that my best pal would be urinating on my foot."
Karen Simmons, of Passengers First!, said it was important London took a strong stand against all forms of Scottishness on public transport.
She said: "I am not your 'hen' and my 'jaiket' looked just fine without the spittle, thank-you."
However, Bob Crow, leader of the RMT union, said his members were not trained to distinguish Scotsmen from other illegal foreigners.
He added: "And what about the Romanians? They’re violent and don’t speak English. How are we supposed to tell them apart?"