A CONSERVATIVE plan to cut the number of people on incapacity benefit was in tatters today as 500,000 people threw themselves down a staircase.
Across Britain council houses and tower blocks echoed to the tell-tale thump of work-shy layabouts hurling themselves towards a guaranteed £25 a week.
Under the Tory plan all those who are deemed fit for work will have their benefits cut and be forced to look for jobs that currently exist only in the mind of Norman Tebbit.
Private training firms will assess all 2.6 million people on incapacity benefit to see what work they might be able to do, which experts say will most likely be assessing people on incapacity benefit to see what work they might be able to do.
Tom Logan, of the London School of Economics said: "By 2014 we should be in a situation where half the country will be assessing the employment capabilities of the other half until they get bored and throw themselves down some stairs.
"They will then join the queue for assessment and will eventually be employed assessing people who have recently thrown themselves down some stairs. And so on."
Tory leader David Cameron denied the move was a return to the harsh Thatcherite policies of the 1980s, adding: "I will personally ram a knitting needle into the thighs of all those who claim they are unfit for honest labour.
"Any scoundrel that lets out a shriek will have the gin bottle snatched from his grasp before being manhandled into the back of a cart and dumped outside the gates of his local cotton mill, bobbin factory or call centre.
"The wretch will then be forced into an upright position where he will learn the virtues of toil and the base immorality of screen breaks.
"If they apply themselves and refrain from griping, then perhaps they will rise to the rank of tradesman and one day may even be in a position to ask me how much money I have."