Violent Criminals Blame Chewits

SOME of Britain's most violent crimes have been caused by Chewits, according to a new study.

Experts said the chewy, fruity sweets have leapfrogged fizzy cola bottles and strawberry mojos to become Britain's most dangerous confectionery.

Former cage fighter Bill McKay shot four people and clubbed a cashier with a shovel during a bank raid he claims was brought on by half a packet of Chewits and a Wham bar.

McKay, who has 49 previous convictions, said: "I'm a lovely bloke until I have an orange one and then I'm not.

"I used to like Opal Fruits. They made me do murders. Refreshers usually result in GBH, while I'm more likely to steal a car after a handful of midget gems."

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies said: "The makers of Chewits gave the misleading impression that the sweets had a calming influence on rampaging, Godzilla-like dinosaurs. We now know the opposite to be true."

Meanwhile sweet manufacturers have been under increasing pressure since members of a notorious Manchester 'firm' described how they like to eat cola bottles and Black Jacks before each violent crime spree.

One gang member known as MC Skully G said: "The cola bottles give you the edge, you get the sugary rush but you also feel dark and moody and ready to murk someone.

"Black Jacks make you immune to pain, maybe because you have to concentrate pretty hard on chewing them. And they're also absolute fuckers to get the paper off."

The makers of Black Jacks, International Chemicals and Medical Waste Disposal Incorporated, denied that the sweet's controversial price increase from 1p to 2p came in response to police pressure to make them less accessible.

A spokesman said: "We simply undertook a detailed survey of Black Jacks consumers, who confirmed that they would be prepared to pay an extra 1p per sweet if it meant we could continue to use the same high quality mysterious ingredients."

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Johnson And Windsor In Wig Sharing Deal

LONDON mayor Boris Johnson has entered into an historic wig-sharing agreement with Eastenders actress Barbara Windsor.

Under the deal the pair will share wigs in the event of fire, flooding or theft in a bid to ensure that at least one of London's two most unbearable icons is always available for public viewing.

The move follows Johnson's incredibly tedious appearance on the popular soap opera, during which he ordered a pint of bitter without trying to have sex with anyone.

A spokesman for the mayor said: "Boris really wanted to do a story line where he had sex in a cupboard with one of the young, blond actresses, preferably the one with the plastic nose.

"But we eventually agreed a compromise where he did a scene with Barbara Windsor while imagining he was having sex in a cupboard with the Barbara Windsor from Carry On Doctor."

Meanwhile the BBC has rejected accusations of political bias from former mayor Ken Livingstone, reminding the Labour politician that the election was two years ago and he was soundly beaten by his worst nightmare.

Livingstone said: "When I was mayor I wanted them to do a story about how the US government should drop its economic sanctions against Cuba in exchange for Castro repealing laws which discriminate against homosexuals.

"But they said it would not have rung true as Ricky and Bianca both felt Castro had betrayed the founding principles of the people's revolution and would therefore have dismissed the idea out of hand."

A corporation spokesman insisted: "Allowing Ken Livingstone to appear on Eastenders would have breached the BBC's guidelines on allowing Ken Livingstone to appear in Eastenders.

"These guidelines are in place for a very good reason: He's a dreadful bastard who makes people want to puke."