Google Launches Collaborative Self-Pleasuring Tool

SEARCH engine giant Google has opened trials of GoogleFrot, a new application designed to create a global network of simultaneous groin-rubbing.

The move comes in response to demands from internet users for a tool that can co-ordinate their furtive, office-based onanism via communalised smut viewing.

A spokesman said: "Self-pollution has always had the capacity to inspire network applications that enable users to share the experience of rubbing themselves very hard under their desk until they go 'boing'.

"We like to think of it as World of Warcraft meets the biscuit game."

Among GoogleFrot's functionalities will be the capacity to drag pornographic film stars between documents.

The spokesman added: "If you have Tera Patrick in a jacuzzi in one window, you can click and drag Brianna Banks, Belladonna, or even Bernard Bresslaw, and they'll all start going at it like minks. It's very clever.

"In this mesmerising new landscape of networked groins, you are limited only by the limits of human physiology and your own fevered imagination."

Designers say GoogleFrot will also give auto-pleasurers some of their self-esteem back by making them feel they are riding the technological zeitgeist rather than just behaving like a caged chimpanzee with a wireless mouse.

Julian Cook, a GoogleFrot beta-tester from Grantham, said: "My avatar is 'Toucheemonkee' and my special power is the ability to clean myself up without any of my colleagues suspecting a thing."

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New Calls For All-Clown Space Station

THERE were fresh demands last night for the rest of the world's clowns to be fired into orbit immediately.

As Cirque du Soleil founder Guy Laliberté paid £18m to travel to the International Space Station, anti-clown groups pledged their support to ridding the planet of each and every one of the deeply unnerving circus performers.

Charlie Reeves, an anti-clownist from York, backed the mission, adding: "Ever since I was a child, I have dreamed of a clown-free world.

"That Stephen King novel where one of them went around ripping children's arms off certainly made me suspicious of their overly friendly approach and at the same time replaced the school caretaker as the thing that made me shit my pants."

Reeves said a giant, all-clown space station could operate on a relatively modest budget by cutting out 'unnecessary luxuries' including buckets of glitter, water-squirting buttonhole flowers and oxygen.

Meanwhile in orbit, Laliberté enchanted his fellow crew members with an eerie, zero-gravity mime to poignant piano music, adding: "I have slipped the surly bonds of earth and confused the shit out of God."

But a NASA spokesman insisted: "What if they make contact with aliens? Our first conversation with extraterrestrial life will be conducted via a series of car honks, dropped trousers and insanely coloured bunches of flowers pulled out of their ass.

"Remember, in space nobody can hear you say 'that's not entertaining'."

But Reeves is adamant that blasting the planet's clowns into orbit will make the world a 'better, less French place'.

He added: "While we're at it, we should also put all the magicians in a big submarine.

"And then blow it up."