Fump Off, You Bunch Of Fumpers, Says Mandelson

LABOUR'S relationship with News International was in tatters last night after Lord Mandelson described the company as 'a bunch of fumpers who need a right good kick in the chump'.

The business secretary exploded in rage during a phone call to chief executive Rebekah Brooks, telling her: "Fump you and fump your chumping friends."

He added: "I'll tell you who's fumping lost it, you have you fumping bump. Remember who you're fumping with.

"I am going to fump you up so bad and then, just when you think I'm fumping finished, I'm going to fump you up some more."

He went on to describe Tory leader David Cameron as a 'total fumping bumpard' and said shadow chancellor George Osborne was a 'jumped up little prump with a face like Thora Hurd's chump'.

Meanwhile prime minister Gordon Brown was this morning still tangled up in a plastic microphone after attempting to storm out of an interview with Sky News.

Mr Brown tried to walk away from Sky's political editor Adam Boulton but found he was attached to the device and began spinning around in a desperate bid to free himself.

A Downing Street spokesman said: "It got very messy, very quickly. He currently looks like Frodo Baggins after he was attacked by that massive spider."

A spokesman for the Brighton and Hove Fire Service said: "The prime minister is currently in a state of extreme entanglement. He will not stop squirming and naturally that just makes it more difficult for us to do our job properly."

He added: "We're bringing in some specialist cutting equipment and some of his favourite pills. We should have him free by noon at the latest."

As Mr Brown writhed on the floor he continued to attack the media's obsession with personality, shouting: "My wife has recently announced to the nation that I am lovely! No more needs to be said on this matter!"

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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I'm starting to think I might have a bit of a drug problem, but I don't know how to deal with it. Personally, I see nothing wrong with taking four enormous lines of coke, a couple of pills and 15 mohitos, and then dancing in a neon vest and shorts for 12 hours solid to The Pet Shop Boys. However, at the last office night out, people were starting to talk. How can I go about finding some help?

Dear Graham,
You might feel like you're alone in dealing with this problem, but rest assured, many of us have to face up to the issue of substance abuse, and it's not a pretty picture. I once ate five sherbet dabs in a row, and entered into what can only be described as a transcendent sugar-induced frenzy in the playground. At the time, I thought I was capable of anything, skipping rope and playing hopscotch like an utter maniac. However, it wasn't long until the initial rush subsided and I fell head-first onto the concrete, crumbling into a tearful, snotty mess with grazes on both hands and knees. It was only then, when I had
literally hit rock bottom, that I realised I had to take my life into my own hands and start spending my pocket money on more sensible things like crisps.
Hope that helps!