Parents Fury At ‘Sex Marbles’

A PARENTS' group has launched an anti-marble campaign after discovering the seemingly innocent glass balls signify sordid teenage sex acts.

This 14 year-old has had more sex than you

Across Britain anxious parents are rummaging through their children's pockets and schoolbags terrified at the prospect of discovering several different kinds of marble.

Keith Page, a father of two from Sutton, said: "The bombshell came when I asked him which was his favourite and he said the kingy with yellow stripes, because it meant he had put at least three fingers up there.

"Naturally I was horrified that this innocent childhood toy could become an emblem of sordid sex practices, and made him explain in detail what act each of the marbles represented."

Keith has since formed Shocked Parents Against Sex Marble Outrage, and published a leaflet detailing the hidden sex marble code:

  • Standard 'toothpaste' marble: 10 minutes of mild Frenching.
  • Iridescent finish, aka 'Oily':  Unsuccessful bra manipulation.
  • 'Crystal' or 'clearie': Unfettered nipple contact.
  • 'Cat's eye':  Upstairs outside.

The ratings continue to escalate for the remaining 53 types of marble, right up to a Kingy Galaxy which represents an obscure and probably illegal act dating from 18th century Holland known as 'owling'.

However Sam Hughes, who is in the same form for maths as Keith Page's son, dismissed the claims, adding: "Mark Page talks bollocks and is blatantly a virgin. You don't have to be in the top set at rocket science to work out that someone with a massive, catalogued marble collection probably isn't nailing a lot of fanny."