A GLOBAL study of human happiness has found that the single biggest factor is whether you are on MDMA.
Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that factors such as family, relationships, career and exercise were far less important than having recently consumed the empathogenic party drug.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “People on MDMA seem to be happy regardless of whether they are earning a lot of money, have good health or a wide social circle.
“They are, quite simply, loving it.”
27-year-old MDMA user Tom Logan said: “I feel fucking brilliant.”
When asked if having recently swallowed a folded-up Rizla full of powdered MDMA was a major factor in his happiness, Logan replied: “It’s definitely played a big part.”
Professor Brubaker said: “If you want to be happy, forget everything else and focus on taking MDMA.
“Sure the initial buzz will wear off after a few hours, leaving you feeling numb and depleted, but you can always take more.”
31-year-old Emma Bradford said: “I’ve recently become a parent for the first time. It’s a great feeling, but to be honest it’s not up there with being really mashed at a rave.
“That is the bollocks.”