Happiness linked to being on MDMA

A GLOBAL study of human happiness has found that the single biggest factor is whether you are on MDMA.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that factors such as family, relationships, career and exercise were far less important than having recently consumed the empathogenic party drug.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “People on MDMA seem to be happy regardless of whether they are earning a lot of money, have good health or a wide social circle.

“They are, quite simply, loving it.”

27-year-old MDMA user Tom Logan said: “I feel fucking brilliant.”

When asked if having recently swallowed a folded-up Rizla full of powdered MDMA was a major factor in his happiness, Logan replied: “It’s definitely played a big part.”

Professor Brubaker said: “If you want to be happy, forget everything else and focus on taking MDMA.

“Sure the initial buzz will wear off after a few hours, leaving you feeling numb and depleted, but you can always take more.”

31-year-old Emma Bradford said: “I’ve recently become a parent for the first time. It’s a great feeling, but to be honest it’s not up there with being really mashed at a rave.

“That is the bollocks.”

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Tramps can't afford Springsteen tickets

BRITAIN’S tramps are in uproar after being priced out of Bruce Springsteen’s current tour.

Tickets for Springsteen’s concert at the Olympic Park start at £69.75, well beyond the means of those with no place left to hide.

Tramp Joseph Turner said: “I’d love to have been singing along to the ‘tramps like us’ line in Born to Run at Olympic Park.

“Unfortunately, like most tramps, I don’t have £70 to spend on entertainment. I have to prioritise food and shelter over stadium rock concerts.

“But ‘The Boss’ styles himself as a tramp-friendly performer – he should at least scatter a few thousand free tickets in bushes and hedgerows.”

Turner added: “Springsteen’s gigs typically last over three hours. Even if I did somehow get in, I’d have to leave before 11 to get back before the nearest hostel shuts.

“It’d help if I had a chrome wheeled, fuel injected Mustang but all I’ve got is an Oyster card with no credit that I found on the floor.

“I could run, I suppose, like I was born to, but since a security dog bit my leg all I’ve been able to manage is a shambling limp.”

The rock star has also been accused of excluding broken heroes and lonely riders, most of whom live of Jobseeker’s Allowance of around £60 per week.