Government using Jedi Mind Economics

BRITAIN was incredibly wealthy and happy in 2012, according to the government’s brown-robed economic adviser.

Economist Dr Ben Kenobi, who lives in a desert, said everything was fine with the economy and that we can all just move along now.

Nathan Muir, a part-time consumer from Peterborough said: “He sat me down and explained that capitalism is what binds the universe together, then he waved his hand in front of my face and I suddenly forgot my house got repossessed last July.

“This isn’t the recession I’m looking for.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Ed Balls hit by absolutely gigantic metaphor

ED BALLS was being battered by an enormous metaphor today after he admitted not stopping when he was supposed to.

The shadow chancellor plead guilty to driving through a red light, which everyone realised was a bit like the last Labour government’s decision to actively encourage the massive credit bubble that ruined everything.

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “Economy – ignore warning signs – off a fucking cliff. Yep, if Ed Balls still has any credibility, that should finish him off.

“I’m sorry, did I just say the words, ‘if Ed Balls still has any credibility’?