Has your friend been to Australia and turned into a racist?

FOR some mysterious reason, friends who go to Australia often come back a bit racist. Here’s how to help them get back to normal.

Challenge their racism in a pathetic British way

If they say something dodgy, object in a polite, simpering way as if you’re doing an impression of Hugh Grant, eg. “Er, well, actually, gosh, I can’t say I totally 100% agree with that…”

Isolate them in the pub

For your sake, sit out of earshot of other people to avoid the embarrassment of them hearing your friend blathering on about “immigrant gangs” or some other obsession from Down Under.

Also your friend may find that sitting in a British beer garden in strong winds and freezing rain is a strong deterrent to holding bigoted views.

Remind them they are in Britain, not Australia, now

This is easy. Go for walks in drizzle, ask them if they want a cup of tea every five minutes and organise a beach party where the greatest risks are hypothermia and depression, not sharks.

Cunningly expose them to anti-racist messages

Invite them over to watch a fun, action-packed movie like Avengers: Infinity War, but when they arrive say you feel they should watch 12 Years a Slave and The Color Purple instead. They will soon regret being prejudiced.

Also replace all their music with songs about tolerance like Ebony and Ivory and I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing. They’ll be understandably furious about all this shite on their phone, but that will teach them not to be racist.

Be ready with an excuse

If your friend makes a prejudiced comment in company, leap in Basil Fawlty-style with “He’s been to Australia, you know.” People will understand.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Woman admits sex was never as exciting as her new Dyson

A WOMAN who spent over £300 on a new vacuum cleaner does not mind admitting that using it is more satisfying than any sex she has ever had in her life.

Francesca Johnson, who recently purchased the Dyson Cyclone V10 Animal, says it is bringing her more pleasure than even the best shag in the world could ever hope to.

Johnson said: “I find everything about it utterly thrilling, including its wildly masculine name which sounds like something from a Clint Eastwood film. My husband’s just called Colin, so he can’t even begin to compete.

“It’s powerful, versatile, almost silent and hardly takes up any space, which is basically everything I could want in a man, plus it cleans the house without making a massive fuss about it.

“Perhaps getting excited about being able to smoothly glide the head into a small space sounds ridiculous, but it’s much more gratifying than any of the times I’ve attempted to do that with a human being.

“If I could elope with it and get married, I would. Maybe it’s legal in somewhere like Thailand. That’s one for Google.”

Husband Colin said: “Does this mean I can finally marry my Black & Decker Workmate who I’ve effectively been having an affair with for 15 years?”