High streets to be awash with semi-feral husbands

UNRULY abandoned men could become a fixture on the high street as music, technology and DVD shops collapse.

They will find things and gnaw at them

They will find things on the floor and gnaw at them

As HMV entered administration shortly after the failure of shops selling computers and cameras, experts fear there will soon be nothing in towns for men.

Husbands and partners will be left in the street while their partners visit clothes and cushion shops, and will quickly revert to their natural instincts.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Men will be alone and rudderless outside department stores while their wives are occupied ‘trying on tops’.

“For most it will be too early in the day to begin drinking alcohol, so a kind of survival impulse will kick in.

“Within an hour they will start scratching around on the pavement for grubs and berries, also removing things from bins and sniffing them to see if they’re edible.

“Then if an alpha male rugby player-type comes along the smaller men will lie down in an obedience gesture, and thus packs will be formed, waging war with each other from sheer boredom.

“Wives and girlfriends will re-appear and say ‘sorry, was I ages?’ but it’ll be too late, their husbands are biting each others’ faces off.”

He added: “Other men, overwhelmed by existential horror, will decide to become vagrants and simply wander off forever, walking hundreds of miles until they find an unoccupied cave.

“Then they will freak out because it doesn’t have the internet so they can’t buy DVDs.”