High streets to be awash with semi-feral husbands

UNRULY abandoned men could become a fixture on the high street as music, technology and DVD shops collapse.

As HMV entered administration shortly after the failure of shops selling computers and cameras, experts fear there will soon be nothing in towns for men.

Husbands and partners will be left in the street while their partners visit clothes and cushion shops, and will quickly revert to their natural instincts.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Men will be alone and rudderless outside department stores while their wives are occupied ‘trying on tops’.

“For most it will be too early in the day to begin drinking alcohol, so a kind of survival impulse will kick in.

“Within an hour they will start scratching around on the pavement for grubs and berries, also removing things from bins and sniffing them to see if they’re edible.

“Then if an alpha male rugby player-type comes along the smaller men will lie down in an obedience gesture, and thus packs will be formed, waging war with each other from sheer boredom.

“Wives and girlfriends will re-appear and say ‘sorry, was I ages?’ but it’ll be too late, their husbands are biting each others’ faces off.”

He added: “Other men, overwhelmed by existential horror, will decide to become vagrants and simply wander off forever, walking hundreds of miles until they find an unoccupied cave.

“Then they will freak out because it doesn’t have the internet so they can’t buy DVDs.”



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Les Misérables nominated for best foreign-sounding film Oscar

LES Misérables is leading the Oscar pack with nominations including best foreign-sounding film and best cockney accent in a French-based film.

This year’s introduction of new, more cosmopolitan categories including an award for the most unforeign-seeming foreigner is a riposte to those who accuse the Oscars of glorifying a handful of Hollywood movies.

Quentin Tarantino’s Django Unchained is up for longest film and best opportunity for white actors to use racial epithets.

Argo, directed by Ben Affleck and set in the late 1970 during the Iranian hostage crisis has been nominated for best excuse to feature cool actors looking cool smoking indoors and on airplanes.

It is also in the running for best storyline to rescue a feelgood ending from an otherwise disastrous episode in American history.

Kathryn Bigelow’s Zero Dark Thirty, about the killing of bin Laden is in line for both the most surprising ending and best use of numbers in a title to convey macho suspense.

Daniel Day-Lewis, meanwhile, is strongly tipped to pick up the annual Daniel Day-Lewis Award for being Daniel Day-Lewis.