Facebook quitters rediscover traditional showing-off

THOUSANDS are leaving Facebook because they want to get back into face-to-face bragging, it has emerged.

Ex-Facebook user Tom Booker said: “Pre-Facebook I would get together with friends in a cosy bar and subtly navigate the conversation towards how awesome I was.

“Somehow that’s much more fulfilling than digitally sharing a photo of me on a beach with a flamboyant drink, grinning and pointing at myself.

“When you’re in a room with people talking about your massive income, actually seeing their faces twitch with barely-concealed envy, that’s when you know you’re something really special.

“Online narcissism is just too impersonal.”

28-year-old Facebook quitter Emma Bradford said: “Last night I actually went to my local pub and boasted at everyone.

“They said some stuff back but I didn’t really listen. Who cares about them? It was brilliant, just like the internet except I got to physically dominate the room.

“Also, having just left Facebook I had one extra thing to show off about.”

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Today 'is most depressing day unless you buy this hat for £19.99'

MARKETING-DRIVEN pseudoscientists have declared today the most depressing day of the year unless you buy a lovely hat for £19.99.

Pretend boffin ‘Dr’ Tom Booker said: “A combination of failed New Year’s resolutions, debt and poor weather means that today is, scientifically speaking, as mentally gruelling as it gets.

“Unless you buy this lovely ‘Deluxe Club’ hat for just £19.99. In which case everything will be lovely.

“You bovine, barely-sentient cluster of idiocy.”