How out of touch are you on a scale of '0' to 'an MP who says meals cost 30p'?

WORRIED you’re losing touch with real life? Take our quiz and find out if you’re quite grounded or talking shite like Tory MP Lee Anderson. Award yourself points as instructed.

Can poor people cook?

Of course. Only a moronic, out of touch, deluded, ignorant, idiotic prick would think otherwise. 1 point.

No. Their brains are too small to understand simple recipes. 2 points.

How much is a pint of milk?

70p. According to some dickheads that’s more than the price of two meals. 1 point.

Half a crown. Or just get it from a cow. 2 points.

What’s the average price of a meal?

That depends on whether I’ve managed to find a yellow-stickered bargain. Although you can’t really put a price on the miracles I whip up every single f**king day. 1 point.

30p. You can probably get five courses for that hefty sum. 2 points.

Who uses food banks?

An ever-increasing number of people who have been repeatedly shafted by the government. 1 point.

Not a single person in my Ashfield constituency. So by extension, nobody at all. 2 points.

What can 30p actually buy you?

A Freddo bar, if you feel like treating yourself to an extravagant luxury without much nutritional value. 1 point.

A slap-up feast for you and all the family, probably a large goose and foie gras for starters, with enough leftovers to see you through the week. 2 points.

How did you score?

Exactly 5 points: You’ve got a good grip on reality. Seriously, you should send some ideas to Downing Street, they haven’t got a f**king clue.

5-7 points. You have a good grasp of food poverty, but are slightly optimistic about how easy it is to eat cheaply. You can’t just eat pasta all the time due to a thing called ‘scurvy’.

8 points or more. You are that knobhead MP Lee Anderson. You probably think poor people should fork out for some expensive cooking lessons while you watch your butler boil another lobster for your supper. Why not mention that in parliament and see how well it goes down?

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Smug Bitcoin bastards getting long-overdue comeuppance

SMUG twats who piled all their cash into imaginary numbers money are finding out they are not cleverer than the entire world after all.

Millions of knobheads who firmly believed they had discovered eternal wealth simply by converting normal money into a new kind of money backed by no guarantees whatsoever are learning that they were stupid and wrong.

Nathan Muir of Colchester said: “Okay, what the f**k? I remortgaged my house for this. And now it’s just going down like some sort of stock?

“What about the blockchain? I don’t really understand what that is, but what about it? Surely we can give that a good sharp yank and get that graph going up again?”

Investor Oliver O’Connor said: “I didn’t put all my eggs in one basket. I’ve got Bitcoin, Dogecoin, Ethereum and Tether. Unfortunately it seems they’re four flavours of the same total bullshit.

“This doesn’t make any sense. I was better than everyone else! I had the secret! I was going to retire at 35! Why is everyone pointing at me and laughing?”

Friend Lucy Parry said: “Oh no, Oliver’s going to have to work for a living like every f**ker else. Except harder because he’s 40 grand in debt. I can’t find the words to express how sorry I am.”