Coldplay's guide to protecting the environment. Sponsored by BP

Hi. Chris Martin here. I don’t want to come on the heavy preacher but sometimes I look out of our private jet at the little people on the ground like insects and think – are you really doing enough to save Planet Earth? 

Fortunately if we all do our bit we can make a difference. So here, in conjunction with the good people at BP, are some handy hints.

When filling up your car, wear a woolly hat

While topping up your tank at your local BP garage, send out a message to your fellow drivers – I’m saving the planet by wrapping up warm instead of turning the central heating up. My hat might be woolly, but my ideas aren’t. Consume fossil fuels responsibly, that’s what I’m saying.

Go for a drive and hand out eco-leaflets

After filling up at the BP garage – which also offers fresh coffee and a range of hot and cold snacks – drive around your area distributing leaflets spreading the green message. Don’t be afraid to confront people with hard-hitting slogans like ‘Scientists can’t agree on climate change but we’re probably fine for a few hundred years anyway so no need to worry just yet.’

Only use oil for your vinyl albums

Oil is a precious, vital asset. So use it for precious, vital things, like a Coldplay LP. We’re spreading the eco-message with our new album You Can Take Bubble Wrap to the Council Recycling Centre. Even if half the ten million copies end up as landfill, it’ll be worth it to educate the handful of listeners who can endure the tedium of a Coldplay album about recycling.

This might surprise you: the environment needs cars

If an endangered monkey is ill, how does the vet who treats him get to work? By car. If you want to stop the government building nuclear power stations, how do you get to the demo? In a coach. So as we can see, the environment needs traffic to survive. Go to BP’s website and download their factsheet Cars and polar bears: A completely natural symbiotic relationship

Encourage BP to use fewer fossil fuels by purchasing more of their product

In order to encourage ethical corporate behaviour, it’s vital that we give companies like BP our business. Boycott them and they may feel forced to abandon best practice. So when driving or flying to your next environmental conference, use a supplier you can trust – BP. In fact, go and fill your car up again at the BP garage to start saving the planet right now.

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Five humiliating TikTok trends Boris Johnson will jump on for votes

DOWNING Street has set up a TikTok account for the Prime Minister. So which pathetic trends will he be following in an attempt to be popular?

Lizzo’s ‘About Damn Time’ dance

Pop diva Lizzo’s latest hit is an anthem for healing and moving forward after a struggle, which will be right up Boris’ street after the year he’s had. The dance features hip wiggling and arse smacking, and if that doesn’t make you want to vomit, watching the prime minister lip-syncing about it being ‘bad bitch o’clock’ definitely will.

One Thing About Me

The One Thing About Me trend sees TikTokers explaining a hyper-specific personality trait over a light jazz soundtrack with captions. Why? Who the f**k knows – it’s TikTok. Perfect for Johnson though, he could explain his decision to ditch the Northern Ireland Protocol. The jazz might even make it sound better.

Glow up transformation

This one is nice and easy: post several pictures captioned with ages, showing how you’ve blossomed since being a teenager. Luckily for Boris he’s looked like a blancmange with a hay bale on top since he was born, so he could post pictures from any year and no one would know the difference.

Louis Theroux’s ‘My Money Don’t Jiggle, Jiggle, It Folds’ dance

If Boris really wants to get deep into the batshit craziness of the platform, he could do the dance to Louis Theroux’s amateur rap song recorded for an episode of Weird Weekends back in the analogue wilderness of the year 2000. Featuring lyrics about having a shitload of money, the prime minister could perform it in front of his infamous gold wallpaper to add an extra layer of bling to the proceedings.

Cloud bread

This recipe is perfect for someone as lazy as Boris as it’s piss easy to make and only contains three ingredients: egg whites, sugar and corn starch. Also, as is obvious from that list, it’s actually a meringue rather than bread, which will fit in nicely with Boris’ aversion to telling the truth about anything at all.