How to be a jolly good dad, by Boris Johnson

HELLO, Britain. Boris here. You’ve probably heard that I’m about to become a father. Well, being a good dad is a lot like running the country. Here’s how I do it.


From Father Christmas to the concept of social mobility, parents tell their kids all sorts of white lies to keep them in check. If ever to tell the truth, disguise it in so much evasive bumbling they won’t be able to tell fact from fiction.

Ask for advice

Not from other parents; that would be ridiculous. Instead hire an egomaniac with no direct experience of the task at hand. They’ll give you lots of great ideas or at the very least destroy your kid’s morale. Either way, you win.

Make firm decisions

As the head of the household you need to be able to make tough calls without flinching. The best way to do this is to ask for everyone’s opinion then impulsively decide what’s best for you personally at the last minute. You’ll be surprised how well this tends to pan out.

Give yourself ‘me time’

It’s no secret that bringing up a family is hard work, so don’t feel bad about booking some time to yourself so you can rest and recharge. Try keeping out of sight while the most catastrophic moments of your children’s lives are happening to really feel the benefit.

Don’t take any blame

It makes you look weak in front of your kids. Instead, try passing the buck to their other parent and say you’re actually the one clearing up their mess. There’s no way they’ll realise you’re behind everything that’s gone wrong for the last decade.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Wearing sparkly trainers key sign that you're a kn*bhead

RESEARCHERS have found that adults wearing metallic or bejewelled trainers are 12 times more likely to be total cocks. 

A conclusive study showed that wearing trainers apparently designed by an over-excitable child with gold crayons, glue and a craft box full of glitter is a sure sign that you should be avoided whenever possible.

Dr Helen Archer said: “It is scientifically impossible to explain the purchase of such flagrantly ridiculous footwear in any other way.

“Wearing trainers, intended to be practical, and then covering them in gold or silver or thousands of little diamante sparkles means you’re either a show-off twat with no idea how risible you look or it’s a cry for help.

“You can break the cycle by burning any shoes you own that Beyoncé would think could do with toning down a bit, and perhaps you will once again be accepted by society.

“Unless, of course, you have trainers with ribbons instead of laces. Anyone willingly wearing those has placed themselves beyond all help.”