Woman carrying yoga mat just using it for naps

A WOMAN often seen carrying a yoga mat has admitted she only uses it to take frequent naps. 

Emma Bradford of Manchester, who carries the mat to and from work as well as around the office, says the mat is perfect for power-napping in the morning, evening and afternoon.

She said: “I got into this when I went to a yoga class. It was boring as hell but I quite liked the comfy mat. It gave me an idea.

“So now, while people imagine I’m a healthy person who does sports and eats oatmeal with nuts in, I carry my mat off and have a 45-minute snooze then come back and people remark on how relaxed I seem.

“I also take it with me when I go to the park. I’ll check out a public yoga class from a safe distance and drift off on my mat while they all do stretches.

“I’ve even been told I’ve lost weight which I haven’t, because I’m eating more carbs to help me nap more easily.

Bradford is considering taking up carrying one of those inflatable pilates balls, so she can sit on it at the bus stop.

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How to get the Dominic Cummings look

WANT to get ahead in life? Model yourself on chief Downing Street adviser and style icon Dominic Cummings. Here’s how to nail the look: 

Ask your barber for ‘The Cummings’

The foundation of the political strategist’s look is a hairline that starts well behind the coronal suture. Visit your barber weekly for a forehead tonsure. The style will be as popular as The Rachel’ for power-hungry psychopaths in post-Brexit Britain.

Dress like a teenage stoner

Suits and ties are for civil service drones. Show The Man who’s boss with a rag-tag wardrobe of gilets, stained hoodies, and unironed T-shirts from libertarian conventions. If your sartorial choices are those of a teenage boy playing Age of Empires while smoking draw, you’re on the right track.

Accessorise with stationery

Dom has made the bulldog clip his own by inexplicably fastening them to his shirts, but with a bit of imagination you can take this trend further. We suggest clamping an A4 Ryman lever arch file to your nipples to be at the the cutting edge in misfit supervillain chic.

Appear constantly contemptuous

To really bring out your inner Cummings your face needs to permanently be contorted into a sneer of cold command worthy of Ozymandias. Manifest your disgust by picturing something ghastly like a working democracy.

Lanyard up

Cummings loves a lanyard, so why don’t you? They’re the new Supreme bumbags for Machiavellian powers behind the throne.

Beanie beanie beanie

If you’ve followed our advice then your Mekon-like bonce is probably a little chilly on top. Stay warm when out and about by wearing a beanie that will trap the heat being chucked out by your rampant ego.