Saturday, 8th May 2021

How to be liberal by calling everyone else racist

IS everyone racist except you? Are you the only white person who truly gets it? Do they need to be told? Here’s who to point the finger at: 

People who do impressions

Doing an impression of someone’s accent is a great opportunity to label them a racist. Accents that are okay include: French, German, redneck American, Irish if impressionist is of more than 30 per cent Irish heritage. All others: wrong.

Telegraph readers

These boozed-up baby boomers enjoying the comfort of a gilet and a Labrador are just itching to commit a racist hate-crime no matter how much they tell you they love a ‘good boogie’ to Stevie Wonder.

Anyone who voted for Brexit

Confronted with the unpalatable fact that many Britons are against the status quo, liberals took about 48 hours to decide the only possible reason could be racism. Whatever your stated reason for voting leave, you’re one goose-step away from an ‘I Heart Hitler’ T-shirt.

Anyone who ate Robertson’s jam in the 1980s

Robertson’s jam had golliwog branding, with collectable badges, for decades. If someone who ate it thirty years ago tries to tell you they just loved marmalade it’s a cover for the fact they hate black people.

Anyone who read this

This is clearly a racist article which means if you’re a point scoring liberal trying to prove you’re the most ‘woke’ you’ve basically just joined the far right.