How to be liberal by calling everyone else racist

IS everyone racist except you? Are you the only white person who truly gets it? Do they need to be told? Here’s who to point the finger at: 

People who do impressions

Doing an impression of someone’s accent is a great opportunity to label them a racist. Accents that are okay include: French, German, redneck American, Irish if impressionist is of more than 30 per cent Irish heritage. All others: wrong.

Telegraph readers

These boozed-up baby boomers enjoying the comfort of a gilet and a Labrador are just itching to commit a racist hate-crime no matter how much they tell you they love a ‘good boogie’ to Stevie Wonder.

Anyone who voted for Brexit

Confronted with the unpalatable fact that many Britons are against the status quo, liberals took about 48 hours to decide the only possible reason could be racism. Whatever your stated reason for voting leave, you’re one goose-step away from an ‘I Heart Hitler’ T-shirt.

Anyone who ate Robertson’s jam in the 1980s

Robertson’s jam had golliwog branding, with collectable badges, for decades. If someone who ate it thirty years ago tries to tell you they just loved marmalade it’s a cover for the fact they hate black people.

Anyone who read this

This is clearly a racist article which means if you’re a point scoring liberal trying to prove you’re the most ‘woke’ you’ve basically just joined the far right.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Can't we all just get along? Take our test

IS IT really so impossible for us all to forget our differences over Brexit and just get along? Find out: 

How do you feel about Brexit? 

A) It might be divisive but we had a referendum in 2016, the decision is made and as a country we have no option but to accept that. Let’s have a drink and forget about it.
B) It’s a democratic outrage, the other side are lying scum and they will do anything to steamroller their way through ignoring our rights as citizens. It can only end in blood.

What about our prime minister? 

A) Does it really matter who leads the country, as long as they’re doing it with our best interests at heart? The sun’s shining and we don’t have to hate each other. Surely.
B) Of course it matters who’s leading us through this national crisis which decides the future of Britain for generations to come. Pretending otherwise is a big fat charade, just like Boris Johnson.

Can’t we let parliament decide? 

A) Hey, that’s what we elected them for. Let’s refocus, leave the big stuff to our elected officials and see if there’s anything good on telly. Something we can all agree on.
B) No because parliament’s suspended, our opponents are using nefarious means to overcome the will of the people and now is the moment to take up arms against our oppressors. Who’s with me?

Look, a lovely puppy! 

A) All those other worries just melt away when you look at his big brown eyes, don’t they? We’re nothing if not a nation of animal lovers. We can unite in that.
B) Get that f**king puppy out of here while the live feed of the supreme court’s on. If they make the wrong decision then there won’t be any puppies because of EU regulations or no-deal food shortages. This is war.


Mostly As: You’re a deluded idiot for imagining there is anything more important right now than bitter, hysterical opposition to the monsters trying to wreck our lives. P*ss off to Switzerland if you want to be neutral.

Mostly Bs: No, we cannot just ‘get along’. Our opponents won’t let us because they are implacably intent on our utter destruction. Maybe after the revolution, if we let any of them live.