How to get away with being an absolute bellend by saying you 'misspoke'

HAVE you just told a massive lie or said something horribly offensive? Just say you misspoke and all will be forgiven. Here’s how to do it.

Saying something racist or homophobic in public

Do you say prejudiced things because you’re thick or, you know, prejudiced? Clearly you misspoke, because words just jump out of your mouth without your consent. And that’s the end of the matter.

Fucking up at work and trying to get away with it

Have you lost your company a huge amount of money and don’t want to own up? Clearly you just misspoke when you said the figure was £30, not £30,000. Don’t sweat it – this works fine all the time for politicians.

Slagging off your boss

Do you frequently describe your boss to colleagues as “Richard the evil useless cocksucker?”. Don’t worry if they find out – you probably just misspoke the words “Richard the charming, capable, all-round great guy”.

Pretending to be an expert on something you know nothing about

If you make up rubbish to sound clever, escape blame by claiming you misspoke. Works for everything from the amount of salt to put in a casserole to claiming to be a doctor when someone’s having a heart attack on a plane.

Cheating on your partner and lying about it

Did you say you spent last Friday night helping out at a soup kitchen when really you were getting spanked senseless at a suburban sex dungeon in Crawley? If you’re prone to misspeaking it’s just the sort of everyday mistake anyone could make.

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Use our shitty website which doesn't work to save us money, says train company

A TRAIN company is sick of passengers wanting it to employ real people when they could just go on its completely useless website.

InterMidland Trains feels its impenetrable website more than makes up for it not having enough staff to answer annoying questions like when the trains leave and where they go to.

A spokesman said: “All the information you need to plan a journey is on our website, so long as you’ve got an afternoon to spare and like doing online puzzles.

“Yes, many of the departure times and prices are strangely ‘hidden away’ by the confusing layout and cryptic fares system, but frankly we don’t want customers who are quitters.

“There’s no information about cancelled trains because you’ll find out soon enough when you turn up to get on them. What next, d’you want us to wipe your arses for you?”

Passenger Tom Logan said: “I love going on journeys where I’m not sure what my connections are or if I’ll be booted off the train for having the wrong ticket. It’s like an adventure.

“In fairness, InterMidland’s website is as good as the rest of its crappy service. And I mean ‘crappy’ literally. They really should fix the toilets so they don’t get ‘full’.”