How to get away with being an absolute bellend by saying you ‘misspoke’

HAVE you just told a massive lie or said something horribly offensive? Just say you misspoke and all will be forgiven. Here’s how to do it.

Saying something racist or homophobic in public

Do you say prejudiced things because you’re thick or, you know, prejudiced? Clearly you misspoke, because words just jump out of your mouth without your consent. And that’s the end of the matter.

Fucking up at work and trying to get away with it

Have you lost your company a huge amount of money and don’t want to own up? Clearly you just misspoke when you said the figure was £30, not £30,000. Don’t sweat it – this works fine all the time for politicians.

Slagging off your boss

Do you frequently describe your boss to colleagues as “Richard the evil useless cocksucker?”. Don’t worry if they find out – you probably just misspoke the words “Richard the charming, capable, all-round great guy”.

Pretending to be an expert on something you know nothing about

If you make up rubbish to sound clever, escape blame by claiming you misspoke. Works for everything from the amount of salt to put in a casserole to claiming to be a doctor when someone’s having a heart attack on a plane.

Cheating on your partner and lying about it

Did you say you spent last Friday night helping out at a soup kitchen when really you were getting spanked senseless at a suburban sex dungeon in Crawley? If you’re prone to misspeaking it’s just the sort of everyday mistake anyone could make.