AMERICAN candy shops are turning your kids into junkies hooked on SWEETS and VAPES, as the Daily Mail would put it. Here’s what to do if this foreign menace appears on your high street.
SMELL your children’s breath on an hourly basis
Have a good sniff of their mouth for childish vape flavours like bubblegum and strawberry. A single puff on a vape will instantly make them addicted and they will become a child prostitute like Jodie Foster in Taxi Driver. If you get a whiff of blue raspberry, kick them out of the family home before they start stealing from your purse.
Force-feed your family proper BRITISH sweets
American sweets are full of sugar, whereas proper British sweets contain only natural spring water, fibre and vitamins. The new rule in your house should be: no dinner until you’ve finished your 1kg bag of Bassetts Liquorice Allsorts.
STRIP-SEARCH your children
And confiscate any sweets with suspiciously American names like Jelly Bellys and Jolly Ranchers. Your teenage son will resist a cavity search at first, but persuade him it’s like one of his tragic gangsta rap fantasies and it would happen all the time if the ‘feds’ sent him to the ‘pen’. He’ll probably be quite keen then.
Form a LYNCH MOB
You and other parents should take your kids and march on the American candy store brandishing garden forks and petrol bombs. If a frenzied mob of thick people beats to death a passing stranger with a ‘funny’ accent who must therefore be American, you’re doing a great job as a parent.
Avoid all FOREIGN retailers
Candy shops are yet another dangerous foreign thing like asylum seekers and the French, so encourage your family to be rabid xenophobes about non-British shops. Admittedly this means you’ll only be able to buy things from Morrisons, Halfords and Wimpy, but what five-year-old wouldn’t love a halogen fog lamp for their birthday, followed by taking them and all their friends for a ‘bender in a bun’?
BAN TikTok
The evil tentacles of American candy shops extend to TikTok, where influencers promote their sweets. A TikTok ban will be hard to police, so encourage your family and neighbours to set up a Stasi-like network of informers to report anyone seen using TikTok. The death penalty will be the most effective deterrent, so don’t be tempted to have a quick look at that hot chick who plays classic guitar riffs in a bikini top.
Build a WALL around your TOWN
Like Mongol hordes and the plague, the only guaranteed way to keep candy shops out is to barricade yourselves behind high walls before they get here. Get local residents to fortify your town – Brexiters will be especially keen – and anyone trying to get in, even paramedics, will have boiling oil poured on them. If, despite your efforts, a candy shop establishes itself, commit mass suicide with cyanide. It’s better than the hideous fate of living near a shop selling Twinkies that you’re completely free not to go into.
