Man who invited date over for dinner has to buy cutlery

A MAN who invited a woman to his place for dinner is grimly buying an entire set of cutlery to supplement the perfectly good knife, fork and spoon he already has. 

Tom Logan’s generous drunken offer to cook for Grace Wood-Morris soon foundered on the reality that he had only enough cutlery for one, forcing him to invest in enough for a whole family.

The 28-year-old said: “I knew I should have nicked the cultlery when I stayed in that AirBNB. But I was profligate and foolish.

“And why do they only sell them in sets? You’d think it would make sense to sell them individually given that for most meals you don’t even need all three, Pot Noodle for example.

“I considered doing a stir fry, because I’ve got a whole drawer full of complimentary chopsticks, but then I remembered that’s because I can’t eat with chopsticks. So I’ve had to bite the bullet and now I own four times more cutlery than any man needs.

“Together with the food and paying my flatmate £20 to clean the oven and another £20 to piss off out of it when she comes over, this is becoming quite the costly night. She’d better shag me.”

Wood-Morris said: “It was nice cutlery. But I had to sit on an office swivel chair.”

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Woman rewilding groin

A WOMAN’S unruly crotch is a deliberate rewilding scheme and not a sign or laziness of neglect, she has asserted.

Eco-conscious Lucy Parry is allowing the hair on her nether areas to grow free as nature intended to help the planet, not just because it is winter, she is single and she has left all the apps.

She said: “It’s a progressive approach to personal hygiene. Which means you can’t criticise it without being a backwards, chauvinistic gammon.

“For too long I’ve been scything my pubic crop down according to the dictates of modern agriculture with nothing to show for it but a higher risk of camel toe. That’s in the past thanks to the thick, lustrous scrubland I’ve been cultivating.

“By trusting my fanny to manage itself I’ll feel some much-needed warmth and with any luck encourage biodiversity. Imagine how fulfilling it will be to have foxes or badgers scampering around down there.

“If it’s a success then I’ll rewild my armpits, legs and upper lip as well. I expect I’ll be fending off David Attenborough and Chris Packham with a stick.”

Friend Tom Logan said: “Men have been rewilding their shoulders, backs and arse cracks for decades but we don’t make a big deal about it.”