Humans made to wear tax discs

THE legal obligation to display a valid tax disc has been shifted from cars to people.

The laminated disc, which will display your tax code and a record of payments for the last five years, must be worn around the neck on a chain in the style of an 80s rapper.

It must be visible to inspectors at all times, even while the taxpayer is asleep.

An HM Revenue & Customs spokesman said: “You hear ‘I pay my taxes!’ all the time but rarely does anyone prove it.

“From now on, your contribution to the state will be displayed to everyone at all times, and if you didn’t make one don’t expect to be allowed to walk on the pavement like everybody else.”

Anyone without a visible tax disc will be fined, then clamped, then towed away, then crushed into a small cube.

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Humans undecided on total destruction of nature versus having cool stuff

HUMANITY is conflicted over whether it is worth decimating the planet to maintain the supply of desirable consumer goods.

50 per cent of species have disappeared in the last 40 years, prompting debate over whether ecosystems are better than phones and burgers.

Office worker Mary Fisher said: “Many animals have appealing faces but if you get close to them they would probably bite you.

“By comparison my new phone is really good plus you can look at pictures of animals on it because it has the internet.

“In conclusion I think we should use the planet’s natural resources to make sleek things to go in shops, and to hell with pandas and garter snakes.”

Father-of-two Stephen Malley said: “Animals generally don’t live very long anyway, whereas stuff lasts forever. Or at least until they bring out newer, slightly cooler stuff and you have to throw the old stuff away.”