Kelly Brook leaves earthly plane

MODEL Kelly Brook has left the mortal plane to travel the higher realms looking for love.

Having reached the highest level of our reality and become omnipresent, the former Big Breakfast star has broken her fleshly bonds to depart into the ether.

Her spirit ablaze, wearing a Proenza Schouler skirt and Sam Edelman caged sandals, Brook will spend a few aeons in paradise before being stepping out in Hades with the Horned One himself.

After that relationship ends she will merge with the godhead, becoming at one with everything for eternity just like she already is on the Mail Online sidebar.

She said: “Amazingly, a precondition of becoming the force that drives the universe is having a failed relationship with a former Gladiator.

“Me, Jordan and Ulrika will laugh about that one until the end of time.”

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Middle class parents leaving public school prospectuses lying around

PARENTS unable to afford school fees have been reduced to leaving public school prospectuses in highly visible areas of their homes.

As it emerged that middle class incomes are not keeping pace with school fees, aspirational parents said they would still get all the leaflets and stick them on a coffee table.

Accountant Martin Bishop said: “No way can we send our kids away to school, but we can temporarily give the impression of wealth and status by getting all the prospectuses, spreading them around the house then saying we decided in the end that state schools are so much more diverse.”

Bishop described the prospectus for Rugby school as “pure class” while the Eton brochure is on “really nice paper”.

He added: “They have a shield on the cover and everything, and a motto thing in latin.”