Hygge is byllshytte

THE Danish art of liking pleasant things is a load of fyckinge wynk, it has been confirmed.

‘Hygge’, which translates as ‘blindingly obvious’, is a popular philosophy of enjoying nice stuff like cosy fires, eating food and warm winter socks in a smug, irritating way.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Having read several books on the subject, I learned that nice things are better than unpleasant things.

“I’m not sure whether that’s a lesson for many of us, unless you’re one of those men who goes to a dominatrix to have you arse spanked with a cricket bat, in which case I suppose it might make you think.

“I just don’t see how anyone could be into this.”

Hygge fan Emma Bradford said: “It’s about enjoying the simple things in life, or just yet another excuse to pamper myself and enjoy lots of nice treats while thinking I am deep.”

Professor Brubaker replied: “Fycke offe.”

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Britons of all races united against Daily Mail

MULTI-RACIAL Britons are united in thinking the Daily Mail is full of shit.

As the newspaper once again revelled in division, Britons of all races confirmed that they were joined by a belief that the Mail is a load of paranoia and semi-pornography written by and for freaks.

Arjun Patel, of Worcester, said: “Minor cultural differences can soon be overcome when you’ve both read a Mail article about transgender-only schools, Liz Jones or ‘the hidden science of sex’ and gone ‘that is bollocks’.

“I used to hate my West Indian neighbour until we compared notes on Samantha Brick’s article on female obesity. Now we play dominoes twice a week.”

Swindon-based Roy Hobbs said: “Black, white or Asian, anyone who thinks Littlejohn’s a twat, or that articles inviting the reader to simultaneously condemn and leer over drunk female students are very wrong, is alright by me.”