'I am here to f**k shit up' says baby at wedding

A BABY attending his first wedding is looking forward to causing total carnage.

Four-month-old Nathan Muir revealed he was ‘psyched’ in advance of the ceremony in rural Hertfordshire.

He said: “I’ve been perfecting an utterly piercing screech all week. I shall deploy it just as the vows are being exchanged.

“My mum won’t take me outside. She’ll want to give the bride and groom a much-appreciated glimpse of things to come. She’s cool, my mum.

“Meanwhile, I am going to be quite the fucking rascal.”

Nathan’s father, David, said: “We’ve got Nathan an irresistible Babygro tux and he’ll wait until one of the cousins picks him up before copiously soiling himself. Boom.

“He then plans to get into a ‘thing’ with another baby, to assert his dominance, before vomiting all over the bride’s Vera Wang dress.

“It is going to be fantastic.”

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Vegans still claiming they have their own cheese

VEGANS have repeated their claim that they have their own type of cheese.

Despite being told they are demonstrably wrong, the vegans keep saying it, as if somehow that could eventually make it true.

Vegan Tom Booker said: “When I first went vegan, I was excited to tell all my non-vegan friends about how I was saving the world, and how they were all basically Nazis.

“But I was also quite sad about pizza.

“I needn’t have worried, because we have our own vegan cheese, and it tastes exactly the same as planet-destroying cow cheese, but without the aftertaste of murder. You can barely even tell that it’s made from nuts.”

He added: “We also have our own nut milk.”

Booker’s girlfriend, Emma Bradshaw, said: “It’s great that Tom’s so involved in some fucking cause. But it’s not cheese, it’s a rubbery, beige delusion.”