I would definitely spend this free ten grand on sensible shit, says 24-year-old

A 24-YEAR-OLD has applauded a new plan to give her £10,000 and promised not to waste it on drugs, holidays, and drugs on holiday. 

Helen Archer of Manchester greeted a report on inter-generational fairness which suggested that 25-year-olds get a £10k windfall by swearing she would definitely buy a mortgage or whatever. 

She said: “Stimulating the economy is the responsible thing to do, right? Even if it is technically the black economy. It all trickles down. 

“Using it to pay off debts, well, I’d like to. Ideally that’d be what I’d do. But that’s doing nothing for the UK’s struggling high street where I’ve seen these boots I like. 

“Buying a house just locks that money up, so that’s selfish. A car? That’s pollution and killing the earth. What else do old people like? Gardening equipment? 

“These tabs on my browser open at full moon beach parties in Goa? That’s, ah, research. Anyway, do I get the money now or what?”

68-year-old Bill McKay said: “They can’t take my savings and give them to feckless youth. I need this money for Brexit.”  

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

You shouldn't be getting trains if you haven't done the research, say operators

RAIL operators have told passengers to stop using trains if they are too lazy to spend a few hours researching ticket prices.

The train companies have responded to criticism of ‘confusing’ fares by hitting out at lazy passengers who are unwilling to make the necessary effort. 

A spokesman for the Rail Delivery Group said: “If you want to make a train journey, approach it as if you’re buying a house or a car. Plan it at least six month in advance, get on the forums, do the research. 

“There’s a reason our fare structure is so beautifully complicated. It’s a reward system, like that film Ready Player One, where only the most dedicated and courageous win through. 

“Yeah sure, the guy next to you paid £2.61 for a journey that cost you £458.90. But he earned it.” 

He added: “First class tickets? That’s different. For those we charge as much as we like because it’s all on expenses so nobody gives a shit.”