Social event organised without creating f**king Whatsapp group

A DRINK at a local pub has been arranged without being discussed at length via an irritating Whatsapp group.

Tom Logan made plans with his friends Martin Bishop and Wayne Hayes using just two texts, instead of setting up a Whatsapp group called ‘Monday Nite Fun Times’ and sending hundreds of messages, including a GIF of a duck drinking a pint of beer.

Logan said: “I sent them both a text that said ‘Black Swan Tuesday at 7pm?’ and they both replied saying ‘Yes’.

“I was tempted to send back a thumbs up emoticon, but then I remembered that I’m not a tit who wastes people’s time by sending them pointless tiny pictures.” 

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies,said: “Human beings are excellent at taking clever new technology and using it to be absolute pricks. You can find examples of this in everything from splitting the atom to Facebook.

“What should be an efficient way of sharing information has turned into yet another method of blathering so much self-aggrandising toss that the original point gets entirely obscured by discussions about Designated Survivor and pictures of people jumping.”

He added: “People really are dreadful bastards.”

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What's the best ice cream to give your kid a hyperactive shit fit?

WHICH sweet frozen treat will most effectively turn your little angel into the maniacal spawn of Satan? Find out with this simple test.

How filling do you want the ice cream to be?

A. Something light because we’re going out to dinner and we’re keen for our child to run around the restaurant punching the wall and trying to climb in the fish tank.

B. Something filling, I forgot to do a shop so this has to double up as a full meal.

C. This is a bedtime snack, so ideally it should keep them full until morning.

What kind of sticky mess would you like your kid to make?

A. Syrupy, gloopy and brightly coloured.

B. Full on ice cream moustache with some bonus chocolatey hand prints.

C. It would make a nice change if the vomit I have to clean up is bright and interesting.

Are you the one looking after your kid later?

A. Yes, on my own. 

B. Yes, but I have help.

C. Dear God, no, this is the nanny’s problem. 

Mostly As: Calippo – also known as a ‘meltdown stick’ it has two different kinds of sugary syrup, in case one wasn’t enough to ruin your nice day out in the park. 

Mostly Bs: Cornetto – work your kid up into a hysterical mess with this sickly cone of mayhem.

Mostly Cs: Fab – each one of those hundreds and thousands contains the recommended daily sugar intake of a bison.