Inflation Basket To Include ‘grand Designs’

THE basket of goods used to calculate inflation will now include property show Grand Designs, the Office for National Statistics said last night.

The Channel 4 show in which middle class people attempt to show off exactly how middle class they are gained its place at the expense of ITV soap Coronation Street, which has was removed by the ONS for being ghastly.

Other new additions include allowing your three year-old to run around at other people's weddings and having your son diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder when he is really just spoilt and badly behaved.

An ONS spokesman said: "Changes in the basket are made to reflect the way that most people today want other people to think how they live.

"So, sitting on the sofa having your tea at six watching Neighbours has been replaced by supper at eight with the entire family clustered around a large farmhouse-style kitchen table discussing the major issues of the day.

"The Freeview box is in because it has BBC4 and obviously no one wants a big dish on their roof because this is not a council estate, thank you very much."

He added: "We’ve also removed battery eggs because even though we're all now buying them again we just can't bear to think about how those poor chickens have to live their lives."

The all-new inflation basket – what's in and what's out

Pints of Rosé
Pretending you want to live a much simpler life
Trying to give up cocaine to pay school fees

Job security
That feeling of superiority over poor people

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Women Sad About Something, Say Men

WOMEN across Britain seem to be terribly sad about something, men said today.

In homes and offices throughout the country men have noticed women consoling each other and comparing observations about what seems to be a very sad event.

Bill McKay, a man from Peterborough, said: "I'm not exactly sure what it is they're sad about. Has it got something to do with the cricket?

"Come to think of it I haven't noticed all the women being this sad together since, oh, it must be September 1997. They were sad for quite a long time back then. God only knows what that was all about, though it must have been very sad because I remember tripping over flowers everywhere I went for at least a fortnight.

"I suppose I should ask why they're sad but that might involve being sucked into a conversation about the sad thing, and while I don't yet know what that is, I am pretty sure I don't care."

Tom Logan, from Chester, said: "Will being sad about the sad thing get me more sex, or will it make people think I'm gay? It's a very difficult time."

Professsor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, stressed that not all the women were sad, especially the ones with attention spans longer than a photo caption.

He added: "There are some women who will not need counselling at a time like this. But only some."

Meanwhile Emma Bradford, a woman from Guildford, said: "It's all so sad. So very, very sad. What else is on?"