ENERGY companies will be forced to invent a new range of bullshit excuses for putting up prices whenever they feel like it, it emerged today.
Industry regulator Ofgem is set to impose new rules after an investigation revealed that the 'wholesale energy markets', blamed for a series of price hikes in recent years, do not actually exist.
An Ofgem spokesman said : "When we asked the companies where they get their energy from they all said it was from some guy called Ishmael who runs a market stall in Uzbekistan.
"They gave us directions and sure enough eight days later we found ourselves in the middle of nowhere face to face with a confused looking man and a herd of camels."
"We asked him if he knew Ishmael or the whereabouts of the wholesale energy market but he just laughed and then asked us which of his 'girls' we would like to have sex with."
The six big energy companies will now be banned from even mentioning wholesale markets and must each come up with a different bullshit excuse to prevent any suspicion of price fixing.
Powergen has already responded to the new regulations, claiming it has been forced to increase prices by 8% after its April batch of electricity was stolen from the boot of its car by a gang of Irish gypsies.
Meanwhile a spokesman for rivals E-On said: "Someone left a gate open on our gas farm and all the gas escaped and we had to hire a load of cowboys to round up the gas and that means the price of gas has to go up again, sorry."
However Ofgem stressed the energy companies will still be allowed to charge extra for so-called 'green' electricity as long as guilty middle class people are stupid enough to pay for it.