Evil Purpose Of Google Street View Remains Unclear

GOOGLE launched its new Street View service yesterday amid fresh speculation about exactly how evil it really is.

Critics claim that as the technology has no obvious practical use it must be part of an unspeakably diabolical master plan that could eventually lead to humans eating highly-processed food pellets made from other humans.

Despite Google’s repeated assurances that the cameras are not there all the time, millions of Britons are expected to wear paper bags on their heads while running in a darting, ziz-zag fashion in a bid to protect their privacy.

Emma Bradford, a sales assistant from Reading, said: “No-one has the right to know how often I go to Boots to buy my weekly supply of lubricants and thrush ointment. And I suppose this means I’ll have to go to the toilet with a bucket on my head.”

A Google spokesman said: “For the umpteenth time, no-one will be able to see you having a shit.

“Of course that does not include anyone who happened to be shitting in the street at the exact moment our camera van passed by. Even so, our face-blurring technology will protect the privacy of any Glaswegians involved.

“We will, however, collect data on all the streets you look at so our partner organisations can then try to sell you things related to that street such as manhole covers, used condoms and bags of fresh vomit.”

He added: “Ultimately Street View is like any other completely innocent surveillance network. If you have nothing to hide from Google, you have nothing to fear from Google.”

Used condom collector Bill McKay said: “Finally I will be able to observe the used condoms of Scunthorpe in their natural habitat instead having to browse through dozens of large, unwieldy catalogues.”


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Smokers To Be Offered Ice Lollies And Cartoons

SMOKERS who who quit the habit will be rewarded with ice lollies, extra cartoons and may even be allowed to stay up after 9pm.

The NHS is to roll out a new system of incentives to run alongside its existing strategy of a ban on cartoons, no ice lollies and, if necessary, a smacked bottom.

A department of health spokesman said: "Smoking is a very bad thing. It gives you nasties in your tummy and makes you all sad.

"If you're very good and you stop smoking for a week, you can have either a Mini Milk, a Twister or a Feast.

"If you're very, very good and you stop smoking for a month, you can watch Animaniacs when you come home from work.

"And if you're very, very, very good and you stop smoking for six months we'll let you stay up after nine o'clock and watch the lesbian episodes of Sex and the City."

The NHS believes the two-pronged strategy of punishment and reward will produce calm, obedient citizens who will share their toys and make friends easily.

Bill McKay, a 42 year-old smoker from Dorset, said he supported the new scheme, adding: "I want a bike! I want a bike! I want a bike!"