Insults must be traded in English, says Miliband

BRITAIN will become a fully-integrated society when everyone can express their mutual contempt in the same language, Ed Miliband has claimed.

The Labour leader said that until we could understand each other we will never appreciate the unmitigated vileness of each other’s opinions.

He added: “It’s not right that someone of Asian, African or East European origin should be able to mutter an incomprehensible insult while waiting in a post office queue without the whole thing spiralling horribly out of control.

“And similarly, how do we create a divided society that really works if one in eight of us does not understand a simple, everyday word like ‘bastard’?”

Miliband also stressed that by learning English, new immigrants would be able to identify the wretched, pre-existing section of British society with which they would most like to align themselves.

He said: “Imagine a young man, newly arrived from Bangladesh and filled with hatred for the European Union. How is he supposed to stand up at a UKIP meeting and insinuate that Germany is still fascist?”

But Tom Logan, from Stevenage, said: “I cherish being able to smile at my neighbour without the slightest possibility of us having a conversation.

“I don’t know what he thinks and he doesn’t know what I think. He’s my best friend.”



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Justin Bieber 'does not have testicles'

IT would be wrong to assume Justin Bieber has testicles, experts have claimed.

As it emerged that a gang had plotted to castrate the star, testicologist Roy Hobbs claimed that may be impossible.

“I believe Bieber has a smooth, empty region between his legs, like an Action Man.

“Either that or some sort of USB input by which he is recharged.”