Ireland urged to join the 19th Century

A LANDMARK EU court ruling could propel Ireland headlong into the middle of the 19th century.

The European Court of Human Rights said Irish abortion laws were outdated and should be overhauled to allow the phased introduction of gin, a hot bath and a manky old coat hanger.

Under current Irish law an abortion can only be performed if the foetus has tested positive for Satan’s DNA and there have been no sightings of the Virgin Mary and/or Baby Jesus for at least a fortnight.

If Satanic DNA is present then the patient still has to be accompanied by a priest screaming the phrase ‘murdering whore’ into her face from a distance of no more than three inches.

Mary Stephens, an Irish pro-choice campaigner, welcomed the move, adding: “We’re trying to change attitudes, but you have to pitch it just right in terms of the Irish psyche. Our latest idea is a series of cartoons featuring Bertie the Abortion Leprechaun.

“If, after giving it a great deal of thought, you decide to have a termination, then Bertie will grant you a special wish and smooth things over with your favourite saint.”

The ruling could also force Ireland to abandon practices such as flogging the corpses of suicide victims and executing donkeys for having an erection in the presence of a bishop.

But traditionalists have vowed to oppose any attempt to move the country towards a century with four digits.

Mother of 27, Elizabeth Wilson, said: “These laws have served us well. They got us through a series of Meteor Forebodings and give us the powers we need to protect ourselves from albinos.”


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33 year-old man has genuinely high expectations of Tron: Legacy

SALES executive Tom Logan is genuinely looking forward to seeing Tron: Legacy, it emerged last night.

Logan, 33, has purchased two tickets for the film on its release date, paying an £8 supplement for luxury seats with padded neck rests.

He said: “The original Tron is one of the best films I’ve ever seen. There’s no way this isn’t going to be amazing, what with the cutting-edge 3D and the soundtrack by Daft Punk. And the bikes. The very big bikes.

“People keep saying, ‘Maybe a film about a guy getting sucked into a computer game won’t be as entertaining now you’re not a child’ and ‘it’ll just be another empty-hearted rehash using technological smoke and mirrors to disguise an absence of story and creativity, like always’.

“What utter bollocks. It’s going to be AMAZING!”

Tom’s girlfriend, Emma Bradford, said: “I’m getting really quite worried now.

“I have been trying to manage his expectations without upsetting him. Tom always gets really excited whenever Hollywood revives some tired old franchise, and then he struggles terribly with the disappointment.

“After seeing Attack of the Clones he walked straight up to the thing in the lobby that warms the hot dog sausages and put his hand on the hot bit until you could smell burning bone. They nearly had to amputate.

“And after Terminator: Rise of the Machines, he went mental at some kids, brandishing an upside-down Callippo like it was a knife.

“So I keep dropping hints about how Jeff Bridges probably won’t be in it that much, stuff like that.

“But who knows, maybe it’ll be really good.

“Except that it definitely won’t.”