It's not shoplifting if it's a self-service checkout, woman claims

THEFT does not count as a crime if it involves a self-service checkout, a woman firmly believes. 

Susan Traherne, aged 35, knows full well that taking goods without payment is illegal and morally wrong, unless it happens at a self-service checkout when it could just as easily be human error.

She continued: “I’m hardly a shoplifter. They stick frozen turkeys down their jogging pants and get led away by security. I’m just unpracticed at scanning barcodes and miss a few.

“Honestly, if you’re at the self-service, doing all the hard work you should be earning minimum wage for, it’s just a little treat. A shopping bonus, if you will.

“You deserve a small chocolate bar or some button mushrooms or a widescreen telly for the arm-ache of swiping them. I get into a little rhythm of two for them, one for me, so that’s hardly unfair.

“Everyone does it, so it’s not a crime. What do they expect from me? Honesty?”

A Tesco spokesman said: “Still cheaper than paying staff.”

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Christmas tree leaning because it's already pissed

THE reason your tree is lopsided no matter how much you adjust it is because it is already shitfaced, experts have confirmed.

Across the UK, families blaming each other for slipshod tree erection were advised that the issue lies with the tree itself, which is at a jaunty angle because it is already drunk and intends to remain so.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “We made this a research priority last year, when my wife accused me of being a tight arse who bought a cheap stand.

“Since then we’ve been erecting a tree a week, all of which stood vertical and proud until December 1st when they instantly began leaning like junkies on a street corner no matter how many times we went at them with the spirit level.

“That, the distinct odour of booze, and a bin full of empty Baileys bottles caused me to conclude the only logical explanation is the trees have been necking the stuff.

“Severed from their roots, brought inside and draped in lights, what have they got to lose? They take up a form of arboreal alcoholism for self-protection and, as far as we can ascertain, because ‘it’s Christmas innit’.

“So there is nothing to be done about the tree. Like a hammered uncle on Boxing Day, no attempt to steady it will succeed. And it’s not my fault when it falls on the dog.”