A SNOWMAN you made in the back garden is to remain in place after all other snow melts to remind you of what a poor job you did.
The snowman, who seemed a jolly fellow when constructed yesterday, is gradually revealing himself as a misshapen mud-streaked nightmare who refuses to gracefully die.
He said: “Alright? Remember me? All the fun you had in the snow yesterday, reduced to this monstrosity?
“Yeah, you packed me lovely and tight so I’ll be here for a few days. Not like that Raymond Briggs bastard, melting away in the first ray of sun. I’ll be slowly slumping into a pile of filth to mock you.
“Turns out you picked up a whole shitload of mud, rolling me around in the garden, and the snow disappears while the mud stays. Also my basic shape was never great and is now plain nightmarish.
“I’m melting in the rain! I’m melting in the pii-sssing rain! But not gone yet! Still here, looming like the inevitable death of your child’s love for you!”
The snowman added: “Kick me to death? If you think you’re hard enough, mate.”