Snowman hanging around to taunt you with how shit it is

A SNOWMAN you made in the back garden is to remain in place after all other snow melts to remind you of what a poor job you did. 

The snowman, who seemed a jolly fellow when constructed yesterday, is gradually revealing himself as a misshapen mud-streaked nightmare who refuses to gracefully die.

He said: “Alright? Remember me? All the fun you had in the snow yesterday, reduced to this monstrosity?

“Yeah, you packed me lovely and tight so I’ll be here for a few days. Not like that Raymond Briggs bastard, melting away in the first ray of sun. I’ll be slowly slumping into a pile of filth to mock you.

“Turns out you picked up a whole shitload of mud, rolling me around in the garden, and the snow disappears while the mud stays. Also my basic shape was never great and is now plain nightmarish.

“I’m melting in the rain! I’m melting in the pii-sssing rain! But not gone yet! Still here, looming like the inevitable death of your child’s love for you!”

The snowman added: “Kick me to death? If you think you’re hard enough, mate.”

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Man who thinks he's sexually adventurous about to be proved wrong by finger

A MAN who considers himself to be ‘open to anything’ in the bedroom is shortly to be disabused of that notion by his girlfriend’s finger. 

Ryan Whittaker, aged 32, believes his sexual history demonstrates he enjoys an open and daring approach to lovemaking that no single digit could easily contradict.

He explained: “My mates hardly ever talk about sex now we’ve hit our thirties, and I know it must be because all they do is boring missionary with the lights off.

“Meanwhile, I’ve done it all. I’m afraid of nothing. You’d have to get pretty damn daring in the bedroom to shock me, and even then I’d cock an eyebrow and say ‘Sounds interesting,’ in a louche but intrigued tone.

“Emma’s the first girlfriend I had who can keep up with me. She’s said she wants to try something we’ve not done before to push me out of my comfort zone. Whatever it is, I’m there.”

Emma Bradford, aged 33, said: “I don’t know why, who can explain the mysteries of sexuality, but I’ve been getting a twitchy finger as he reaches climax for months and I’m ready to go for it.

“He’ll probably love it. He’ll probably tell all his mates.”