Six shows the BBC could cancel and no-one would miss

THE BBC is not allowed to raise the licence fee by £15 because, in Sunak’s Britain, such a sum could break any family. They should cancel this crap instead: 

A Question of Sport

Mistakenly thought to be a quiz by non-watchers, on iPlayer it’s in the section ‘even we have no idea who the f**k watches this’. Currently presented by Paddy McGuinness in a sure sign of its slide towards an open grave, 94 per cent of viewers have only ever seen the last five minutes as they waited for something better to come on.

Homes Under the Hammer

Commissioned to discourage truancy and unemployment by being so bad it actively deters people from staying home watching TV, every episode has the same narrative as a loud man in a family pub who made 200 grand flipping houses. This is not a man whose company you would seek out. Replace it with dead air.

Antiques Road Trip

The BBC already has one anxiety-inducing antiques show where we wait to see if that ugly clock’s worth anything. A second, cheaper version, dealing with goods that frequently stray over the border from antique to vintage to nasty old shit, is unnecessary. If the BBC wants to continue with the CGI Daleks, this show must die.

University Challenge

Second to Only Connect in the ‘why would anyone even know that? I pity them’ stakes, and students are no longer as respected as they once were. Now we just see fragile young people labouring under ridiculous expectations and debt, and neither see them win through or be satisfyingly crushed. Plus it’s always some Oxford college against their twat mates.

Question Time

Perhaps not the most expensive show to produce, but imagine how much better society would be without a weekly round of ignorant bellowing. Overnight the country would come to its senses, bridge political differences and build a brighter future. There would never be another Nigel Farage.

Whatever’s on BBC Four

Did this one get cancelled, or was that Three? Is it back now? Could any random licence payer in the street authoratively answer either of those questions? No. Documentaries about post-war still lifes or Michael Portillo’s train journeys are unnecessary, and governments love neglecting the arts. Everyone wins.

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I dress up as Thatcher and strangle myself until I ejaculate, says Starmer in appeal to middle England

KEIR Starmer has set out to appeal to Home Counties Conservatives by revealing he dresses as Margaret Thatcher and chokes himself to orgasm. 

The Labour leader is attempting to broaden his appeal to traditional Tory voters in Blue Wall seats by admitting he regularly blacks out after spattering his television in spunk while it plays Falklands War speeches on repeat.

Margaret Gerving, a retired headteacher from Surrey, said: “Hmm. Well I wasn’t sure, but he’s winning me around.

“Knowing he’s an ordinary, decent chap like us – a top lawyer, a knight of the realm, a man who isn’t afraid to admit he dresses in a royal blue twinset and beats his own balls with a handbag until shooting off uncontrollably shouting ‘Rejoice’ – changes things.

“You can’t have a prime minister who isn’t psychosexually obsessed with our greatest leader. Blair used to make Cherie wear a Thatcher wig. Cameron candidly admitted wanking at Eton to her with a hot iron inches above his dick. And Boris? Say no more.

“So if this Starmer’s telling the truth about only being able to climax by while lashing himself across the buttocks while her portrait gazes disapprovingly down, he’ll win votes in the stockbroker belt. That’s blue-chip perversion. We at the WI thoroughly approve.”

Starmer said: “All I have to do is think of a devastated Welsh mining community and my cock’s so hard you could hang a suit off it. And I do.”