Jack the Ripper to light Olympic flame
THE enduringly popular Victorian serial killer Jack the Ripper will light the Olympic flame, it has emerged.
Jack, who is still robust at over 100 years old because of black magic rituals, will carry the Olympic torch along the final leg of its journey while playfully brandishing a scalpel at the crowd.
Olympics boss Lord Coe said: Jack the Ripper is an iconic East London figure, and a record holder in his own way, albeit for murdering prostitutes rather than sport.
“And I think we can all identify with him. I mean, who hasnt thought about cleansing the streets of the filthy painted harlots who mock the Almighty with their bestial cavorting?
“Also he comes from an era when everything was gas lamps so he’s very confident around naked flames.”
The Olympic opening ceremony will culminate with Jack brutally eviscerating mascots Mandeville and Wenlock on a special platform painted with weird Masonic symbols.
A range of official Olympics Ripper Jack merchandise is now on sale, including dolls of Jack himself and his many victims, which come complete with removable internal organs.
Tourist Tom Booker said: Without Jack the Ripper we probably wouldn’t have the CSI franchises and other great police procedural television. He was the first really interesting murderer.
I just hope he respects the rights of the sponsors and doesn’t do anything controversial like wearing a Reebok top hat.”