Jesus died to give us two bank holidays

THE Archbishop of Canterbury has given thanks to Jesus, who gave his life so that we could have not just a Monday off work but a Friday too.

Jesus, God’s only begotten son, died for his belief that workers deserve a four-day paid break just when the weather is beginning to pick up.

Archbishop Justin Welby said: “The heavenly miracle of Good Friday was bought with the blood of the Lamb, spilt for everyone who’s got a bit of decorating to do.”

Biblical scholars believe Jesus was a carpenter, hard at work in Nazareth, who received a divine revelation telling him to take a few days off and maybe catch some rays at the Sea of Galilee.

Jesus’s teachings spread until Easter became a holiday long enough to get 12 friends together and head into Jerusalem for a big meal with plenty of wine.

The Archbishop, reading from the Bible, said: “Now when the evening did come, He died on the cross. And behold, on the third day He rose again, nice and late after his first proper lie-in in ages.

“And He said unto them, Fear not ye for there is still no work tomorrow. Lo, does anyone fancy a pint?”

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Men seeking plausible beard exit strategies

MILLIONS of men are to pretend a shaving accident caused them to remove their beard.

After the UK reached beard saturation point, men are desperate to remove their facial hair without appearing to be weak-willed fashion victims.

31-year-old Tom Logan said: “I was making some toast, the tip of my beard went in the toaster, suddenly it was on fire and I had to cut it all off.

“Total accident. I would not be so feeble as to substantially alter my appearance because of an article in The Guardian.”

Graphic designer Stephen Malley said: “The reason for my new clean-shaven look is that I went to get a passport photo done and you aren’t allowed facial hair because of anti-terrorism laws.”

28-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “Mine got stuck in a door, it was a case of pull it out by the roots or starve to death.

“As an unreconstructed alpha male who doesn’t give a shit about media-driven style trends and is basically a raw sexy ape I chose the former but purely for survival reasons.

“Then I applied moisturiser to the affected area.”