Jesus spent Easter Tuesday catching up on admin, says Vatican

NEWLY-RELEASED Bible verses have revealed that after his ‘lost’ Easter weekend, Jesus spent the next day trying to get his paperwork sorted out. 

After trying and failing to rent a two-bed flat in Galilee because he was legally registered as ‘crucified’ with Roman authorities, the Son of God is believed to have spent most of the day on to call centres.

A Vatican spokesman said: “Many Christians fail to consider about the day-to-day implications of a miraculous return from the dead. It’s heavy on the admin.

“The Messiah had to notify a long list about the risen again business, he had to get Mary to return the life-insurance payout, and he couldn’t use Peter as a reference because he’d denied him thrice.

“We praise Christ for suffering for man’s sins, and knowing that he spent the first full day of his big comeback on hold to the council while livechatting with Vodafone only highlights that suffering.

“Every Christian should reflect on how even the Lamb of God must sometimes turn away those who arrive at his door with canned beverages or sick relatives, because He could not remember his online banking password and was setting it up all over again.”

Scholars are currently translating new fragments of scripture covering Easter Wednesday, the changing of the holy fitted sheet, and Easter Thursday, the submitting and blessing of expenses claims.

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Ramming swabs up our noses twice a week wasn't on the f**king roadmap, says Britain

A CONFUSED public is pretty sure sticking a six-inch swab up their nose twice a week was not originally included in Boris Johnson’s roadmap. 

The announcement that everyone in England can take two weekly coronavirus tests from Friday has bemused Britons who recalled no previous mention of this Easter treat.

Stephen Malley of Gloucester said: “I’ve got the roadmap. It’s all ‘pubs reopen’ and ‘you can get a haircut’, with nothing about forcing an extra-long cotton bud into the soft parts of your brain.

“Also, I thought we could already have tests? And aren’t these ones inaccurate? And do we really want to rely on dickheads who can’t even wear facemasks suddenly becoming diagnosticians?”

28-year-old Donna Sheridan said: “I know Boris’s brand is to leave everything until the last minute, but a heads-up might have taken the edge off this soon-to-be-mandatory invasive medical procedure.

“I’m going to have nostrils like Gove in his gak years by the time I get vaccinated. And this is your idea of good news?”

A government spokesman said: “The roadmap has changed, as maps often spontaneously do. Anyway, the point is get back to work, you lazy twats.”