Journalists' Wives single remains unbought

A HEART-BREAKING song by the wives of Britain’s journalists remains resolutely unbought, it has been confirmed.

Whoever You’re Violating, by the Journalists’ Wives Choir now seems certain not to be the Christmas number one.

Anne Logan, whose husband Tom served in some bins with the News of the World and the Daily Star, said: “At this time of year it’s important to remember all those who have failed to serve their country in any way whatsoever.

“Those amazing people who go out of their way to act all important and then demand our gratitude.

“But it’s not just about the disgusting frontline tabloid hacks, it’s about the ones who often get overlooked by the big inquiries – the brave, smug hypocrites on the Guardian or the Daily Telegraph’s little platoons of crazed, incontinent fantasists.

“It’s about the feature writer who courageously puts their byline on a press release, or the sports editor who still goes to work every day genuinely believing that his job is not pathetically unimportant.

“They are all out there, deliberately misleading their country with a selflessness that’s barely reflected in their massive salaries.”

Any money raised from the single will go towards paying a private detective to plant a hidden camera at the top of Pippa Middleton’s left thigh.

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Tube drivers in fresh bid to become more hated than footballers

UNDERGROUND train-monkeys are hoping their Boxing Day strike will make them more nauseatingly abhorrent than professional footballers.

The industrial action was called after a driver  was verbally reprimanded for selling the entire Northern Line to a scrap metal dealer.

But following another sharp increase in footballer detestability, it will now be used for the ultimate clash of lazy, overpaid bastards vs lazy, overpaid bastards (sitting down).

Aslef General Secretary Keith Norman said: “Premier league footballers have really upped their contemptible game recently so we’re going to start dressing up as stormtroopers and playing songs by Skrewdriver over the tannoy.”

Norman said he would call off the strike if his members  are given triple pay, an extra day’s holiday, a free boat, Gloucestershire and a good half hour on the Duchess of Cambridge.

A spokesman for arbitration service Acas said: “They do not want to work on Boxing Day.”

The Premier League is expected to hit back with a set of Boxing Day fixtures that will cause Alan Hansen to use the word ‘coloured’ again before dozens of millionaires fill their Range Rover Sports with some barely legal teenage girls and drive at a dangerously high speed to an incredibly sticky hotel.

Meanwhile the two sides have resorted to taking out full-page newspaper adverts, one of which depicts footballers hurling vile, anti-semitic insults at Joseph while kicking him in the stomach and another which shows a terrified Santa Claus tied to a railway track seconds before he is dismembered by a cackling tube driver.

Norman added: “If only Santa was black.”