Kids switch from pirates to hitmen

CHILDREN have moved on from their love for pirates to a fascination with hired killers.

Harry Hitman’s Happytime Hour, on Cbeebies

The Pirates of the Caribbean craze has faded as youngsters tired of pretending to slaughter, drown and enslave innocents in bloody high seas massacres.

Father-of-three Norman Steele said: “Last year they couldn’t get enough pirates, constantly keelhauling each other and firing muskets.

“I still remember the tantrum the little one threw when I told him he wasn’t allowed to have his eye out for Christmas.

“This year it’s all about hitmen: the eldest is mad for CIA death squads, the middle one loves his Persian hashshashin, and the three-year-old likes either Mafia or Yakuza.

“It made a nice change at first, but honestly if I have to watch Ichi the Killer one more time I’ll scream.”

Child psychologist Dr Mary Fisher said: “Kids will be kids.

“Every dad who’s making a fuss about it probably had a complete set of Baader-Meinhof Action Man or Latin American Druglord Top Trumps when he was a boy.”

Ten-year-old Tom Logan said: “When I grow up, I want to kill people for money. I will wear a suit and leave no trace of my identity behind apart from the still-warm corpse of my victim.

“I will be rich and have a house full of guns, where I will eventually die after being betrayed by my ex-prostitute lover.”

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Millions forced into fantasy football

WORKERS are being coerced into joining complex and tedious fantasy football games.

And so it begins

The office leagues, which purport to be a bit of a laugh but are more competitive than the real thing, are currently recruiting anyone unwary enough to say they “quite like football”.

Risk manager Stephen Malley said: “It’s all fun and games until you’ve handed over your £20.

“Then you realise that you’ve paid real money to engage in a complicated mathematical exercise, ending up with a team full of unknown players because they were the right price.

“The blokes running it turn out to be the worst bastards in existence, keeping all the transfer windows to themselves and always winning because they’ve entered 20 teams each.

“It’s like being forced to play the stock market by people you hate.”

Bill McKay of Lincoln said: “The best bit is picking your team name, and believe me you regret that when you see Bottomham Hotstuds at the arse end of the table week after week.

“I’m a United fan, but I actually found myself angry whenever Persie scored last season because I knew the moron who ran the league had him on his team.

“I hate everything about football now. The only sport I can bear to follow is bowls.”